Heart Of God (chapter 13)
- Jul 24
- 54 min read
Updated: 14 hours ago
22nd July 2026
In my heart I went to Parthi to offer him my soul, as I don’t wish to continue this way anymore… And as soon as I offered at his samadhi, he shows my soul is lit up with his light and like a soft pink flower it’s bloomed!
The Clouds are dark, the pain is deep,
The Lotus of the Heart has bloomed in Peace!
For No longer outside of it It’s Self it seeks!
7.45am
PS: Have started the painting of this experience where i see my souls flower bloom into pink, filled with his light!
23rd July 2026
PS: though this painting is based on yesterday’s experience & poem, that I finished Pai ting on the 26th, Where Swami showed the lotus of my heart has bloomed pink & is filled with his light. But I wish to share it here, based on how it co-relates to an experience Swami gave me in 2023. Which I’ve shared below.
You know the dichotomy of this Journey with Swami. I believe he gave me this pain because he’s Alreday given me the Experience. The Pain that one feels in these intervening days of the so called Wait, when we in our desperation want him to reach out & he remains Silent. The dichotomy of this entire Pain is, He Never Left!
When we’re born the umbilical cord with our given physical mother at the time of our birth is cut. & so is in every birth.
But The Only True Divine Mother that we each came from is Him.
& by Him I mean all names of God, it’s not about just one form or formless aspect of God. But all names of God it’s Only One. So whichever form he came to you that most appeals to you, it’s that same God! This umbilical cord is never cut.
And I can vouch for this because He’s given me the experience of this Oneness, after a year to Coco’s passing in 2023, When I was missing him in extreme physical pain, I cried and after unable to control for 40-45mins, Swami lifted me from this plane of wordly consciousness into a plane, Where I realised I’m not this body, nor mind.
Where there was pain in the body, Yet No suffering as he always says. Because our identification to body-mind creates pain.
And I Realised that this Love of God, of the Self within each; this Heart of God within each-
Loves All Equally without any bias, without any judgment, without any prejudice. Without any form of Fear, hatred, anger, jealousy, malice,
which are all emotions we humans identify as our nature.
Which Truly isn’t Our Nature!
He Loves each and every being be it humans, animals, animate, non-animate, every speck or grass, rock, inert matter Or that which is moving is suffused and born from this Love.
Our Physical relations change with every birth and based on our karmic exchange either we continue with that soul in some other form of bodily-relation or the account is closed.
But each soul has come only and only from him. And each soul is only connected to this love of God.
In Truth, this is what we all are searching for in the outside world. This Love of God, that we think we can get it either from our parents, siblings, spouse, Freinds, children’s.
Or to get an acknowledgment in work, through some position in the world, Or based on our money status. That either places one soul higher in this wordly dimension as in aspect of Power,
& chasing for this power is again a crude form of Nothing but chasing this Love of God.
But in the end Nothing in this world can ever give you this Bliss, this Respect in the Knowing,
We are One!
And he showed me irrespective of the journey the soul is in- We all Are Equally Blessed, because He Loves us all Equally & we’ve come from him.
Yes based on ones karma we go through our individual ups and downs of lives.
But His Love is Greater than any pain that life sends our way! And this very Love is what kept this entire creation and Cosmos held in him.
And hence we are Never alone in this journey of life.
Maybe many people and relation shall leave us, But we are Never alone. I realised this SELF-
this presence of God within, His Presence in me is the same as His Presence in others. And we are this Presence.
Hence God says don’t Judge Or Hurt Or Hate anyone, because by doing so you’re only Hating the Truth within that soul- that is Him. In fact there will only be Respect for every life after knowing this Truth!
Yes we do encounter some difficult people on our way, who may test our conscience, based on how their Vasanas have developed in their past lifetimes, But to say that someone else makes you do bad things can Never be Justified!
Based on the simple fact that we are God.
So the more one goes through the churning and purification the more one comes to Experience and Realise this Truth that we are God!
Because the more one merges into the Truth that he showed me, the lesser the mind has any hold upon that soul. And by the mind I mean the Vasanas we carry from our past births as well as our psychological aspect of meeting life. That lessens and the Self or the Spirit takes an upper hand to show that we are indeed Premaswaroopalara- as Swami addresses us- Embodiments of Love!
Because in Truth that is all what we are- Love!
And this love of God is pure it’s not a wordly exchange that is tainted by selfishness even between a mother and child.
It’s Pure, it’s asks Nothing from you, It only Gives! And it’s Ever-Present within each soul, helping them Rise from the limitations of their minds, Or afflictions of bodily pains.
And we take birth after birth Only to Realise this One Truth- We are God, the Self within each is Him.
And the day you realise this, you’re are easier to Forgive, because it’s not you who’s forgiving, But the God within you who Forgives his own and even prays for that lost souls well-being.
This is the reason why God Never Abandons a single soul on this earth, Not even an ant. All are under His Protection and Care.
I believe Coco’s love made Swami Grace me with this Truth in my moment of deep pain & it was after a few days to that very moment, when I had spoken to my mom, as I was unable to speak to her due to extreme nerve trigger of scalp, that she shared Vibhuti had materialised at my parents home for the very first time
That he had Blessed them too. So this is the dichotomy of this Love- he shall show you he’s not there, because of His Silence,
But you’re in him and this umbilical cord is never severed. Until you realise this Oneness and merge in him!!!
11.20am
Hence even though he’s putting me through this pain of his Silence, I have to share this Truth- He Never for once Forsakes anyone Nor Leaves!!!
Until then only this Divine Author knows where he’s taking me with all this. Because if Swami is choosing to not listen,
Or at least shows he’s not listening to your prayers, then all that’s being reflected outside in my life is due to this Silence.
Because inspite of showing the Truth of the diagnosis to me, He still chooses to remain Silent then there’s Nothing I can say anymore, having been Overruled in all aspects of my life!
12.00pm
Swami once again you divinely synchronised this talk today when I shared my above experience that you’re the only Self in all
And then this devotee even shared that at times Swami will make you choose between him & the world. When she had her boards, the same day in the morning she had to go play music in one of the Sai events and he will put you through such test. And she chose to go play the music in the morning and then give her boards by afternoon and she passed with flying colours. That when you choose him, he will do everything for you.
And even the experience of her waiting in the school break as her father had said Swamis car shall pass and she can get his Darshana.
& as she waited at the school gates, she did get a glimpse of his Darshana, when his car passed by.
Swami once again gave the assurance that since I’ve Chosen to believe you, inspite of the ENT suggesting no biopsy and yesterday night when
I cried utterly crest-fallen that you didn’t come, you’ve left me….
today again you reached out… that You will come! You will come!
So now why wait? Why wait Swami???
Today shower your love of A Thousand Mothers upon me too.
3.06pm
Swami you say God is simple then why aren’t you giving sign, breaking your silence sending me to such doctors who have reduced this all to an-allergic reaction. Please break your Silence and show the Truth!
By late evening I again had a severe reaction to the allergy medicine, Which I’ll discontinue, because the medicine is not even for inflammation it’s a basic allergy medicine as the ENT ruled out biopsy, stating it’s juts some allergy. Even not considering the weight loss, fatigue and vomiting sensation.
I was so tired and exhausted fighting the side effect I told Swami, you truly need to beak your silence now.
And the sign can’t be only a Vision because no one believes it has to be a visible sign that this work and diagnosis has come from you.
Not that I shall do any biopsy because I have no strength left whatsoever.. Nor do treatments for Cancer.
But I’m sure not continuing with these allergy meds
24th July 2026
Above link to post
Just yesterday I told him even I want to experience Love of A Thousand Mothers.
Now if we are not aware of the subtlety of how Swami communicates then we shall overlook & ignore his signs, due to our minds way of being sucked in stress.
Yesterday when in the talk the devotee shared she wants to experience Love of A Thousand Mothers and how Swami fulfilled her simple wish by handing over the blue saree that she wanted.
For me too he reached out with that love.
As earlier in the Vision, When he blessed this work Where he signs With Love and Blessings….
I had told him, I’ll paint the Vision,
But I can’t sign as that has to come directly from you.
And yesterday in that extreme reaction to the medicine when I asked him for a visible sign to experience his love of a thousand mothers,
today he sent his sign of blessings to me this way. That indeed everything in this work, be it my health diagnosis, Visions, messages have come from him alone.
So by sending this reel, he reached out to my prayers.
In the morning I was listening to this talk while painting that soul light work. And once again in this he’s shared not only how Swami healed a persons cancer but the conflicting opinions of doctors when his wife was battling asthma. So I could relate to that experience
Since people lean so much on Chat GPT too, which I’ve never used, I cast two chits- stating SCGPT- meaning Sai chat G PT, asking is this lymphoma or whatever that oncologist stated as Cancer- with Yes & other chit No. I prayed and I tell Swami to select the chit that he wishes to answer by making one chit land in the temple area, that shall be the answer coming from him and the other chit should land outside.
And his Answer is- yes
Truly based on the message he sent my way yesterday, God is simple everything else is complicated!
Once again such beautiful talk where various anecdotes and experiences are shared. And he too goes on to share that at times Swami is very soft in his love and at times he comes as very strong. Where he will put you through a situation where either you Choose Him Or the world. Which they too had to navigate. And in that Swami even goes on to say- your relations will change with every birth, but when you choose him, then He alone is the One saving you & guiding you in every birth.
So once again, he’s showing me he knows my heart, upon all this crazy conflicting varied opinions of doctors. That I Chose my Belief over him, even though I’d be judged!
2.00pm.
Once again I asked Swami why is he Silent, not just at the doctors front, but on many levels of relations, Where he knows I didn’t do anything wrong, yet he kept Silent and allowed a lot of wrong to happen in my life, Which eventually took a toll on my health. I said maybe you don’t feel my pain, that’s why you keep Silent. To that he answered with the above message
Swami that’s all I ask of you, Experience! & that’s all I’ve been praying since these last 26yrs & even more so since this work started.
25th July 2026
Swami just now while listening to this talk… though I’ve been chanting Sai Gayatri since
The Pet-scan as you guided me & not only 108 times, but through the day, with every breath
All I ask is Finish what you’ve started in my life & with this work Heart of God!!!
1.44am
Swami, Yesterday you send me this message,
that said- “I Will Not Reject you”,
These words are very simple, But they carry a lot of weightage. In our daily transactions we as family, friends, work aspect tend to show this side that we are ready to stand beside someone in their tough times, But when the heat gets too much, then many leaves fall off. And at times the tree is standing all by itself, bereft of any life, songs of birds & fruits that bloomed life in it
So when you mention “I will not Reject you”,
Then are you ready to come and sit near a tree that’s lost everything. Even the roots are no longer having any foundation in the earths soil,
But sure the tree can offer you its Faith,
For in its Faith Alone it stands! Maybe there’s no canopy of wordly achievements, validation, respect, But the tree has shed tears in love for thee and in that love alone it’s sustained itself.
Are you ready to take this offering of Pure Love; Which in worldly aspect has Zero value
For I stand here in my Belief, Even after the storms of life, that took everything.
I’m Standing here upon the foundation of Faith alone.
Pain has a way of stripping you down in the world. And you know Swami, I’ve put my best foot forward, Since last 26yrs in this pain.
But Now if it’s come down to living a life like this, with no answers to this pain….
Even after Coco left, I gave my best that in my love for him I wish to exhibit.
But now given this pain, I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to exhibit for him…..
Hence it’s my Humble prayer, Share this work and then free me and bring me home to you and coco.
So when you say these words- I will Not Reject you, then they are not just simple words. As you know of.
10.17am
Hence if you truly mean- I Will Not Reject you, Then show that in the Truest sense.
Because medically since last 26yrs I have been rejected.
& the only life I’m left with is to die every second in this pain that sucks all life from within….
But Now, I’d prefer to die Once, then every single day go through this.
10.44am
Swami if you truly haven’t rejected me,
then before 29th Guru Purnima reach out,
But if you don’t wish to take any responsibility then on Guru Poornima free me from a life like this. Because you’re the creator, sustainer & destroyer. So let me leave in dignity!
2.38pm
Swami now whatever I should receive, It should come from you & you alone. If for some reason you don’t wish to give me anything, then let me die. But now whatever I should receive it should come from you & you alone.
Because it’s not done, living a life this way.
Later these messages
Was listening to this talk, while painting the soul light art work and many beautiful experiences are shared,
Even that Swami only wants us to lay the carpet of our hearts so he can dwell there, by having purity and following his teachings.
& how he saved an army lady from blood cancer.
And then for some Seva project in a village they needed 27acres land. And Swami tells him you don’t need land, you need my hand!
But then he goes on to say this very beautiful assurance that Swami gave regarding Guru Poornima
Where Swami asks him do you know the significance of Guru Poornima- & then goes to promise.
On Guru Poornima I take A Vow, That so long as the Sankalp’s of my child is not fulfilled, Sun will not set. So I am going to do this. Go work I’ll take care of you.
4.14pm
Once again Swami responded to my above prayer that either reach out before Guru Poornima or let me die, with the Vow he gave.
26th July 2026
Since Ive been chanting Sai Gayatri continuously, today morning I saw Swami in my inner eye, wearing a yellow gown & his form appeared like a candle, emanating light safeguarding me….
So Started painting what I saw….
But shall paint thousands of my tears as a prayer around him, that say-
“Only you can turn my tears of pain into Tears of Gratitude!” 9.36am
He doesn’t even need a minute, He can change destiny in a second.
Beloved Baba, you’re often addressed as Father, Hence Shirdi Sai inspite of speaking the Truth about the Vision regarding Blood Cancer & all the drama after the pet-scan….
As my Father I Now ask you to speak for me,
You’re the head of this family…
If I can’t come and ask for help from you and to intervene then where shall i go.
This pain and fatigue due to Cancer & weight loss are still a pressing issue,
I ask you to heal me fully & put an end to this testing phase too.
And even shower healing upon Atul.
4.55pm
The painting is still ongoing maybe in the day light tomorrow I shall have a better picture.
The way these heart breaks are ongoing with you being Silent, I only wish to ask you, with this kind of pain I clearly have no place in this world, even work wise, There’s nothing I can offer you, so when you’ll come what will I give you…..
& what if because of this reason, that after this painting is finished there’s truly nothing left to offer thee,
& hence you would feel why go to her home.
I truly have no place in this world, I Hope I have a lil space in your heart.
11.30pm
27th July 2026
These dark clouds don’t seem to waiver….
These Challenging times only seem to multiply and gather,
Please Step in My Father, Please Step in,
For you’ve Promised you shall not Reject the calls of my heartfelt-prayers,
PS: Finished the painting by 28th evening. Though the golden lines emanating from his form appear silver in pic, but it’s to express he’s standing like a light of a candle to make the way
I’ve offered thee Everything,
But My Tears of Pain can turn into Gratitude
Only by thy Blessings!
Your Grace Alone has brought me this far,
Now Please Step in My Father & Please Save me in the Need of this hour!
My test was thy taste, My Faith alone got me this far, But Now there’s Nothing left to offer thee…
For I’ve given it all, So Please Step in…
Please Step in My Father for you Alone can make the way & Not just in the healing of my body, But even in Honour of My Faith!
9.15am
Since last 3-4 days this bhajan has been playing in my conscience-
Dhanyabhaag Seva Ka Avasar Paya, paya, Charana-Kamal ki dhul bana mein,
Moksha dwar tak aaya…
Meaning- I am truly blessed to have found the opportunity to serve; turning into the dust of your lotus feet, I have reached the doors of liberation."
Above link to post
Swami, you send me the message that every Guru Poornima you take a Vow that until my child’s Sankalp’s is not Fulfilled the Sun will not set.
Then Swami, this Wednesday is Guru Poornima,
I pray today itself you step in and reach out, Why wait till then. Because now this has to end that all I know.
Now your Silence is Nothing But Rejection, So Dear Father Step in & Finish what you’ve started.
11.33am
You had promised me in chits you were going to show up today, Yet one more Promise broken & my prayers have lost all meaning. The painting got finished by late evening. But you didn’t keep your word. I have not much Hope left now.
Even on my Birthday I cried the entire day, Yet you didn’t show up. Just one more day to go for Guru Poornima, But I don’t know if you shall truly keep your Vow, given that for last 26yrs there are countless messages of Assurance, Yet nothing materialises in reality. Countless signs of chits falling from picture frame- that you shall not abandon me, Yet every day only ends in you rejecting my calls. You too have left me same as the doctors.
Once again since late evening, I sank in extreme fatigue and pain, with energy sinking and draining from my feet. But it feels like you don’t care,
Even though I say these words, you should know how heart-wrenching it truly is for me to speak so, Knowing there’s Nothing in this Universe bereft of your care! But I’m extremely Tired Swami!
12.00am
28th July 2026
Above link to post
To see this message now, after you once again didn’t keep your promise to intervene yesterday…
i don’t know what to make of that. I’ve left everything with you- Yet i don’t see your hand. Though this entire work has come from you- Visions & every sign, message, Yet your hand remains invisible.
12.44am
But i pray, Yet again that your hand in my life is Visible to all & Never shall anyone question my Faith in thee! And your hand alone is Visible even in my & atuls healing!
So that this work can be shared. I don’t know what’s lacking- Why you’re still holding back maa.
I don’t know?
1.17am
Above link to satsang
I was listening to this satsang of Swamis Visit to Kashmir since I was in tremendous pain and uneasiness & couldn’t get myself to sleep and very beautiful experiences are shared
Sai maa, if you don’t accept this offering even on Guru Poornima then i sure have failed!!!!
And i have no place in your heart or anywhere else! As I had asked for a lil place in your heart the other day, knowing with this pain I have no choice
1.44am
Swami just now I asked you in chits, Will you reach out by tomorrow being Guru Poornima Or even if you won’t, You want the work to go on. And you picked the chit- you want the work to go on.
But Swami if on Guru Poornima, You being my Guru don’t even accept this offering of Love- Heart Of God, then it can’t go on. Because Now you have to heal and share this work.
That’s what my heart is praying.
Share this work and give meaning to my life in this pain. Share this work and give Hope to someone who like me, has no way out.
You stood there as a light of candle, saying this is all you need to go ahead, This Light of Swamis Love that Never Fails! You even send me the Vow, that every Guru Poornima you take,
Now Fulfil thy Vow, that the Sankalpa of your child to share this Prasadam of work, does not fail!
9.54am
Swami I don’t know, what’s lacking in my prayers or devotion,
But today I ask you as my mother, to Pray for me- your child, to Pray for healing in this house, for both Atul and me, to the God that is None but you.
Because you always say- God can’t ignore a mother’s prayers.
Sai maa,
Please come with complete healing for us both and an abundance of A new Beginning in this life.
Sai Maa, I don’t know what’s lacking from my end in prayers, But whatever is lacking, You fulfil it with your prayers for me to your very own God-self.
Because with this fatigue & pain I’m at a loss with everything!
Sai maa,
Please fulfil his Vow of Guru Poornima and share the Blessings of this work with all your children’s. That’s all I pray!
10.00am
Later in the afternoon while I was working on Swamis form that appeared as a light of a candle painting (which I’ve Already shared in yesterdays post)
I was listening to this talk & in that Swami tells him- “You’re in my heart & im in yours”,
So this was once again Swamis divine synchronicity to send this message today, when today too I had asked him, will I get a lil space in your heart & had even asked a day back.
So Swami once again is showing he knows my thoughts.
The painting is finished and shared, I’ve done my part, taken All my steps,
Now Swami has to Fulfil His Guru Poornima Vow- that unless the sankalpa of his child isn’t fulfilled the Sun shall not set.
Now Swami you have to do the needful! Of not only accepting this offering, but even healing us so that this work can be shared!
5.25pm
Swami if you shall again choose Silence tomorrow on the auspicious day of Guru Poornima then it shall only come across as you’ve not Accepted the offerings of this work and somewhere I failed in all my prayers. And I shall end this here.
5.40pm
29th July 2026
It’s Alreday Guru Poornima, My health is not at all in a good state.
I’m in severe pain, fatigue and exhaustion. Either Heal me, Or let me die in dignity! There’s Nothing much left to say. And if you don’t accept this work, then let everything end here!
12.36am
Now the signs & healing has to come from you, Blessing this work, healing from both Cancer & lupus and even healing Atul from diabetes, along with all that needs to be healed, that we may not even be aware of.
Blessings to share this work. There’s nothing left on my part. You have to take the remaining steps now Swami. Because physically I’m in a very bad condition Bhagwan!
12.42am
Swami,
We started this work on 18th December 2025, and it’s been 7months now, I’ve Given my all to this work, Truth, Purity, Faith, Hope, Devotion, Tears, Heart-breaks.
Now you do the remaining Of giving me a closure.
I have Nothing left to offer thee,
As every single day since this work began I gave it all,
Now I’m left with Nothing!
And if you can’t change my destiny, then let me die in Peace on this auspicious day itself.
12.51am
Dear Swami & Shirdi Baba, I just came and offered this work-Heart of God
And along with it I have offered you even my problems and asked for Healing on all aspects. My Only Concern is that Now that I’ve offered you this work, I have Nothing left to give.
So will you even want to come to our home………
Or will you feel why should i go, I sure have not decorated your home with any ribbons Nor flowers like maa Shabari, Yet whatever ive given in this work, has come from the Purity of my soul.
You Please Bless this work today on this auspicious day of Guru Poornima and let it be shared.
9.55am
Even though this house of yours may not be spick-n-span, due to the pain I’m in, Please consider this call from my heart, Even though I may not have elaborate meals prepared for your welcome, Please consider this call from my heart, Even though like maa Shabari there are no flowers placed at the entrance nor at the altar,
Please consider the call of this heart,
Even though I’m a zero in this world and truly have Nothing left to offer due to this failing health,
But Please consider the call of this heart,
Because once again I wish to tell you- Today Guru Poornima shall be celebrated with Grandeur and all paraphernalia, there shall be decorations, devotees singing bhajans, preparing sweet meals, You have this entire universe singing thy glory,
But Beloved Sai Maa, I have Only you, Only you!!!
And if you still Choose to remain Silent and not intervene then let me merge in you!!! Because I don’t wish to continue anymore this way!
Even Sai Gayatri chanting has dwindled into this one single call- Please Come!
11.00am
The Hostility that I lived in this physical pain for last 26yrs because by and large many people couldn’t understand the impact of lupus, has to end now.
I’m very tired that’s all! If you give me any more days to live after today, Then let me live in yours & Cocos love!
Because I Need you! I Need you!
11.07am
A Strong Vibhuti fragrance has enveloped me, as I cried writing my heart-felt to him and the fragrance of Vibhuti has left its sweetness upon my tongue.
Swami, Now sweeten my heart too, By Thy Coming maa!
Once again this last painting of Swami seated on Shesha Sai is ongoing and he sends me this talk about Faith & Service & that’s all I’ve offered him since last 7 months every single day- Faith & Gratefulness,
that he let me Serve him through this work
4.14pm.
Swami, Even if I have to die in this Blood Cancer, frankly speaking I don’t care, Even if healing is not in my destiny,
I don’t care, All I’m asking is that Bless this work today itself being Guru Poornima, whether this last painting gets finished today or later….
Doesn’t matter but Bless this work and make me share, irrespective of weather you heal me or not.
Because at least these last 26yrs of my life in this gruelling pain shall have some meaning by you accepting and blessing this offering
6.03pm
I Surrender, Let Thy Will Be Done!!!
6.30pm
it’s post 9pm and swami didn’t come nor give any sign, other than this message
30th July 2026
I Accept your Will & Silence to Not Bless this work- i shall not share this work anymore with anyone. Whatever be my health- it matters not.
You didn’t fulfil your Guru Poornima vow,
But I have to fulfil my promise given to Coco to do the exhibition in his love!
This work Heart of God shall Never be shared!
Not Because i lacked Faith in you-
But because you have once again chosen Silence.
I told you- it will be- you, who leaves me
& not other way round!
12.31am
This offering of love & tears, if Swami doesn’t feel worthy to Accept, Then it was Never meant to be shared with anyone.
Above link to a moment when a student breaks down, while singing in front of Swami
I know the longing in this song that the student had & I know the pain in every tear too…
1.26am
I don’t think I’ll get to Experience A Love like Coco from anyone, Not even you Swami….
Once I’ll finish the painting of you seated upon Shesha Sai. Then there’s truly Nothing left for me to Offer post that.
1.53am
I Accept your Will
& Incase any more Visions you give, I’ll paint & share them in this work.
But after today for me it’s Over, Because I’m just empty within & There are No Prayers left, Just Empty!
9.36am
I guess I was too naive to think, God will come to my home,
I Failed in all aspects of my life, Except being a mother to Coco, I failed even with you. Maybe there was something lacking from my end in offering of this work, Hence even on an auspicious occasion as Guru Poornima you didn’t Bless!
I’m not your Hanuman that’s for sure!
Even if you showed me earlier that I am your Hanuman…
But I’m Not! Because Hanumans Seva, lord Ram accepted,
By my offering of heart through this work- My Sai Rama didn’t accept!
So even if you showed me I served you as Hanumanji,
I’m Not!!! I’m not that Pure, Nor that larger than life,
As your devotees. That’s why I never wanted that comparison, Because I know I’m Not!
Whatever mistake has happened it’s solely mine. But my heart is shattered and it’s like a wrenching weight upon my soul, that my Swami didn’t accept and bless this work, Nor did he come…
I called you like a child calls onto his mother,
I don’t know anything other than painting your form, as a prayer to thee, hence shall finish this last painting of this work too and share it on yesterday’s Guru Poornima post.
2.25pm
Other than being a mother I failed at everything.
Even as your child I failed in serving thee.
31st July 2026
Above link, He began with a message of Surrender
America’s Top Heart Transplant Surgeon’s Transformation | Dr V Jeevanandam | Satsang from Prasanthi - YouTube
Was listening to this talk as I couldn’t sleep…
& was awake way past 4am. Many beautiful things are shared, but one thing that Swami advised him to be a good doctor was that one should patiently listen to the patient as that alone solves 50% of illness. And given my experience I can say that’s very true, most times doctors don’t listen
Beloved Sai, i accept thy Will to Not Bless this work.
Yet the Shesha Sai painting, Which i had started on Guru Poornima day is still ongoing & Once i finish sharing, this work to me is over.
Henceforth i shall not share anything about this work with anyone, not even with those few people i had shared earlier. Because i believe Truth is not that easy for all to handle.
I wish well to all, even those, whom you showed through a vision, you were angry with.
Back on June 16th, Shirdi baba showed me through a Vision- He’s in his white Kafni & he’s in Rudra form…
In front of him are seated some people….
He is very angry & he slaps one of them & says- “You think you can get away with this….You didn’t hurt her. You hurt me!” As a tear falls from their eyes & he’s furiously scolding them, pacing back & forth, heaping angry words at them & all they can do is keep their heads bowed down.
Vision ends
1.04pm
i wish all well and ask for forgiveness for all including me. I’m not going to get my lost years or health by seeing anyone in pain. There’s enough pain in this world, i don’t wish to add more to it, because if anyone suffers- it’s my beloved lord who suffers along with them. And that’s not what i want- this pain i feel in my heart & body cannot be lessened by asking you to be angry, Even though Shirdi baba showered that anger upon them in the Vision- Yet i ask for forgiveness!
& i pray my karmic payment is over, because i don’t wish to have any more births. Not even to come down for enjoying the good actions.
In fact if there are any good karma, i ask you to give it to Coco & Atul. For the way they stood by
1.53pm
Samastha Lokah Sukhino Bhavantu!!!!
There is only Oneness & there’s only this prayer now- May All the beings, In All the World
Be Happy, Happy, Happy!!!
1st August 2026
You failed Swami on all your promises & on all assurances you gave for my life. My body is moaning in extreme pain due to fever and my head is drifting due to the chills.
If my Coco would be here, then he would have flung himself next to me & given the comfort i need. He would have even cried unable to see me this way. The closest to love of a mother i received in this journey of pain was Cocos love, He truly was my mother.
But I would want to experience Love of A Thousand Mothers from you, because post Pet-Scan, you didn’t give me any closure, Not even on Guru Poornima day, did you fulfil your vow.
1.44am
Coco’s ashes are placed on the fore-front in my temple. Even ahead of Ganpati Bappa. Because that’s where a mother’s place is- Above God!!!
But this time I wish to experience your love of a thousand mothers too.
2.07am
if truly as you say- You’re the Love of A Thousand Mothers, then give me a closure in this work regarding Blood Cancer, lupus, healing and Blessing it,
Otherwise what’s the point to all this, did you get me this far to now leave me the way I’ve been left by all doctors, and why did we even do the pet scan, it’s been 20days to that test, you wanted to test my Faith, Irrespective of the pet-scan report, & I still didn’t doubt nor question you,
So then what’s left for you to remain silent & go on with this never-ending wait?
& is this how I’m suppose to continue living - die every second.
What do you want me to say. Because if after Surrender & all the prayers, Am I only suppose to continue this way in pain with no way out.
Then what was the point of this 7month journey through this work, because it sure feels like I’ve been thrown under the bus after everything I gave in this work. And haven’t you said time and again- When you do Gods work, then God takes care of all things in your life.
Is this how you take care, where everything has fallen apart???
11.02am
All I’m asking is give me A Closure, because I’m very tired living this way. And it feels like I’m repeating the same thing over & over again.
So please Give me A Closure!
And if you wish to share this work even without healing then tell me & I shall do so. But now at this point it just feels like a dead end!
11.31am
Evening these messages
Above link to post
2nd August 2026
Swami if truly my life is about to change in a big way, if truly as you’ve shown me a while back that the Light of my Soul shines bright piercing through all of my life’s darkness- then let every aspect of my life show this Truth- in small & big ways- beyond simply words in the message.
For it’s enough this wait.
Swami once again showed me the light of my soul- right at the centre of my chest- is like a bright Golden-yellow light ball of energy that’s pure untainted by all the difficulties I’m facing currently.
2.07am
Swami please see to it that there’s No Mockery of my Faith! Because there are still suggestive questions from some, since biopsy is not needed as per that ENT’s suggestion, stating that the issue of cancer is
Either no longer there Or suggestive that I should get biopsy done.
& till date, I’ve not questioned you even once. But please don’t make a mockery of my Faith,
This way at least, Where they try to water down the issue, based on their belief on doctors,
More then my belief in you.
Yet still don’t make a mockery of my Faith in you by making someone ask me these questions….
Maybe you should see my heart for it believes you without a doubt. Like hanuman ji who showed you’re seated there- someday come & see my heart, then you won’t need to send people to question it…
For there’s Nothing in me other than Purity!!!!
& based on the Purity of my soul, i don’t know how, but Everything has to change now.
2.50am
Later I was listening to this talk, as I couldn’t sleep and then he gave this message through the talk,
Swami shows how he helped this devotee from a business problem he was having with his partner & bank by giving a message through these 3-words- BBB,
and then the devotee goes on to share that when everything falls apart, you know you’ll loose Faith,
but your heart is bubbling and he will push you to cliff and then hold you, because he has that knack to save you at the very last minute
3.00am
Swami my Faith in you isn’t lost, inspite of the suggestive questions regarding Cancer diagnosis, as I said it’s easier for people to negate the Truth, to believe in other voices than Gods voice, because it’s easier to slide Truth under the carpet.
But I’m not built such, I know your word is Truth and I know in the Vision when you showed Blood Cancer, you spoke to me H2h,
Of even going to great lengths to not mention Lupus Nor Blood Cancer as coming from your very own mouth, it was conveyed as a Vision and then message was delivered H2h,
& since your word is final, that alone shall alter everything in my life, be it Cancer, lupus & everything that needs to be healed.
11.06am
Swami When you showed my soul is an energy of Golden light, I saw this body, the form dwindled and this light merged in Oneness with you and Coco, Where all forms all dwindled, I saw coco’s face and yours and then everything dwindled into this energy of One golden light,
Now all I have left to say is mother, if my work on earth is finished then let me merge in you and coco. The body has paid its due, if my life here has no work for you, then let me leave this body and merge into this Oneness.
Or Now is the time to show that I stand here, Solely because of thy Grace & my Faith! Because there have been enough tests & mockery of my belief!
11.18am
3rd August 2026
For some reason I couldn’t at all sleep due to the pain & was listening to this talk, & truly how is this even possible, because just yesterday I wrote the same thing to you, that’s mentioned in the talk…
That if my work on earth is finished then let me merge in you and coco.
And in the above talk he shares the very same thing to Swami as a prayer, that if he has no work left then bring him home.
I mean there are countless & innumerable signs of Divine Synchronicity of your hand being at play,
Yet why do you choose to not bless this work…..
For Swami, I’ve Waited too Long…
Given the endless messages of Hope & Assurances and even devotees talks where they say- sometimes Swami waits till the very last minute to Save you.
For me many last minutes came & passed in your silence, But I Hope & Pray that the promise you gave me in chits that Today you shall reach out in answer to my prayers
Wouldn’t it be nice if you’d come home….
Even if my life has fallen apart,
& since the pet-scan I’ve even been thrown under the bus, I don’t know what are you waiting for…
& only you know the helplessness this heart-pouring is coming from
Please Don’t Kill my Faith with your Silence
2.40am
Swami, the last painting of this work, which I had started on the 29th Guru Poornima is almost finished & I’m very happy with this work, it looks glorious and beautiful and one can feel the light seeping through the colours, and the majesty in it. I Hope you’re happy too. Though tomorrow in the day light shall do the finishing touches.
Post this, there’s Nothing much left on my part…
So Please Come!
7.02pm
This day of Promise given by him, too ended with No Blessings & Now there’s Nothing left in me to say anything anymore.
4th August 2026
Since swami didn’t respond, yesterday too, he send this message….
Above link to post
After a long, long time since I started this work, I laughed at this message & I couldn’t stop laughing, I mean I’ve gotta give this one to Swami for the sense of humour and the wittiness & cleverness to send a message as this, Especially when every single day ends with a No-
Probably this work should be seen as A 100 ways Swami can say- No to your prayers & Yet at the end of the day still manage to fill your heart with Hope for a better tomorrow!
But I’ve never laughed this hard, Where he can turn your months of tears & heart wrenching-wait into a lightness with a message as such
Who truly even knows where we are going with this….
As long as he’s holding & making sure i reach home. Because my work here is sure done.
12.12am
Above link to post
& later even this post, as I was finishing the last painting of this work of Shesha Sai yesterday,
& for some reason constantly humming this bhajan- as those words kept ringing in my heart & lips,
in this post the very same bhajan is being sung. So Swami was once again showing me he knows.
Will start working on painting works for Coco’s exhibition. & Until you choose to step in,
let this work remain in the Silence of your heart.
12.06pm
5th August 2026
Swami I Chose you over everything in my life & have been doing so for many years…
But have you chosen me???
If so then why haven’t you come to bless this work and heal everything for me. Why haven’t you’ve shown yourself in visible signs, as in action, & not just assurance of words….
1.17am
I was in terrible pain and uneasiness, the entire day yesterday, and by late evening it got so exhausting, that I was draining in energy and had to gobble-up spaghetti for some strength. I usually cook pasta in some quantity and store it to be used in times when I won’t be able to cook due to pain.
Just before sleeping by 1am, I once again left all of this work over his samadhi in Parthi and told Coco-
“Come let’s leave, because it seems like he doesn’t need us, So let’s leave”,
I always feel Coco is with Swami, so I asked him to come along and we both walk out of Sai Kulwant hall.
While I left the work on his samadhi. Because yesterday after finishing the painting I felt, if Swami doesn’t come to bless this work, then maybe I’ll have to go to Bombay central at a devotees home where there are lot of Vibhuti & idol manifestations occurring. Where after almost a month he had blessed my letter for healing, in which I asked him to be my doctor. (The pictures I had shared of those letter I had earlier shared in this work).
Though even that thought pained me, because imagine if you want some Blessing from your mother and when you ask her to come home because you’re unwell & instead of she coming to you, She says meet me at this child’s place, because my presence is more evident there. Then how would you feel….
So even though I asked him this as the last resort, it pained my heart deeply.
Later….
I woke up to a beautiful dream….
All the paintings & the sketch books both big and the small watercolour pad as well as the painted paper sheet Which I had placed in the temple area, along with the last painting of swami seated on
Shesha Sai, Baba shows me, that it’s all covered with Vibhuti. Like a splash of Vibhuti dots all over
Seeing this I get so excited & happy,
but then he shows me there are thick blobs of Vibhuti materialising right in front of my eyes & they form into a shape of his foot-prints….
Tiny footprints of Vibhuti, one placed in front of other,
Into a thick layer of few cms, and they all point walking in towards the temple.
Where Coco’s ashes along with all other pictures and idols of Gods are placed. And he’s showing me his presence is there too
Where earlier Ganpati Bappa had shown me in the Vision that I’ve come to stay in your heart and home, because this is my father’s home.
And today Swami left his feet of Vibhuti, not just upon the art works in my dream, But even showing that his presence is here, in my temple & home.
And I know in my heart, he shall come to my home too in flesh and blood.
I wake up and see the time it’s 3.20am. I ask him what time did he come to give the dream.
And he picks the answer 3am from options of two timings
So by 3am Swami showed in the dream that he’s Blessed this work, his padukas of Vibhuti have been placed on this work and even in the temple of our home.
He Chose me!!!
3.45am
Thank you Swami, Thank you!!!
Upon my every breath in & out is woven a pearl of Gratitude.
4.05am
Later in the afternoon as I started painting the Vibhuti footprints that Swami showed me in the dream on yesterdays painting,
I was listening to this talk in which he shares how Swami does the chiseling on each devotee and each path is unique. So that whatever is chiseled out is that which is not the God-self.
Above link to talk
I finished the above painting by 5pm,
in the process I applied a thick white paint and then sprinkled Swamis Vibhuti over it so that it sticks on the paint…& even had to do a lot of touch ups on Shesha Sai and Swamis gown because Vibhuti spread across and made the colours grey…
Though the Vibhuti footprints of Swami were much thicker in cms then in this work. But this is what he showed me in the dream & one of his Vibhuti foot print was placed on the yellow saree in my temple.
The saree is my wedding saree that I had offered it to Bhagwan as a prayer for healing long back.
As only 2 months into marriage & lupus triggered its havoc and since then we’ve been struggling.
So him placing his one footprint upon the saree is a blessing in itself.
Swami thank you Once again for Choosing me & blessing this work with such a beautiful sign in the dream.
I know with this subtle presence you blessed the work as coming from you. But I believe that healing should happen for me to go ahead and share the work. So as and when you shall give signs or vision I’ll share in this work. But this work can only be finished by your coming to our home and giving healing.
Till then Gratitude!!!
5.22pm
6th August 2026
Sai maa, I’m not feeling good at all, I’m in very bad sinking pain, Please Come home right now & take my soul, take me home to you & coco!!!
I need you!!!
2.12am
I started sketching this portrait of him,
Since I couldn’t sleep due to extreme pain to divert my mind. And only by 4-4.30am did I catch some sleep.
Again that lil voice from within- Those who lean upon me with all their life, Never Fail my child!
8.35am
Above link to post
I asked him for a sign if he wants me to share the dream of Vibhuti footsteps blessings with those few people I had shared the diagnosis and this was the very first post on my feed, Where Swami is seen leading this little girl by holding her hand through waves & sea. So this to me was his green signal to go ahead.
Swami now only you can Finish what you’ve started.
Ive shared the painting with these few people & even your sign of Blessings.
Beloved now you have to Finish what you’ve started, Because the the last word has to come from the Divine-author!
Now that you’ve left your subtle sign of Blessing through Vibhuti footsteps, Please lead me & finish what you’ve started
12.49pm
7th August 2026
Swami, it seems like this lagging behind period of my life just doesn’t seem to end.
Nothing seems to move, Inspite of all your blessings & even the latest dream of Vibhuti footsteps,
Like this stagnancy just keeps swelling and engulfing everything in its fold.
And my life feels stuck in this period of a never ending loop of pain & wait.
Did my prayers of all these years truly ever reach you….
Do prayers truly have the power to change ones destiny?
If they’ve reached you and they truly have the power as you promised this week shall be a week of Miracles, Abundance, Healing, Breakthroughs & Love, then so be it!
2.34am
Now let life flow in An easy way….
Even something as trivial as my driving license renewal,
Please make it happen through this online channel, without me having to go to the RTO. And the license get delivered to our home
For I’m done with all the waiting and stagnancy in my life.
As I’m in lot of pain & simply want my life to change.
Later He gives A Vision -
I’m seated tired and exhausted in pain, he comes to me, He points to my heart then his heart & says these words- Heart2heart, Love2love & so are we bound, Yet free in Love!
I see his form is like the stamen of a flower and we all are individual petals. & I’m seated in that utter exhaustion due to pain and vomiting sensation. And there’s a fluidity of energy in his form & mine & at the base this flower is One,
Such that all petals are like individual beings, yet connected to him on a H2h level.
He’s like a flame of orangish pinkish hue & I’m pastel blue and other petals too have that blue-colour as well as have sketchy outlines. While there’s this energy of love connecting everything, holding each petal in place,
With Swami alone being the centre of each heart
& Yet each petal carries it’s own individuality & can dance & move freely.
9.40am
Later while I am bathing he gives the remaining lines
Heart2heart, Love2love & so are we bound,
Yet free in Love! From me to you & you to All,
This Love is here to bloom each soul.
We’ve come to blossom the earth soil,
We’ve come to show the Sky breathes upon our light,
We’ve come to show- All is Not Lost;
For Faith reverberates upon this earth; Every single time with A New Note.
Sing must we & Dance in the Joy of our Hearts,
& Love must we, & lend the Sky- A New way
of seeing & Believing through times-Dark!
For My Hope in a continuum of Gods Breath embedded within each soul,
My Child hence H2h, Love2love,
So are we bound & so shall we blossom in the Spirit of God!
10.08am
Beloved Sai, Even for thyroid issues when I couldn’t take the medicine due to averse effect you waited for 2yrs, & when I once again went for the blood test to check where I stand,
Just before the test report came, in the dream you came and gave me the flower, and with that you healed me fully from lifelong thyroid issues.
But you waited till the last minute. I pray this time you don’t wait till the last second to intervene for both lupus and cancer because believe me most have lost Faith in me.
& as you know Atul will be travelling next week to Europe maybe 20-25days on work.
And it’s tiring this wait.
So I pray you intervene and heal me and give us a chance to live our life’s.
These last 26yrs I’ve been grounded due to this illness.
I pray you don’t wait until the very last second to give me a chance to a completely new beginning.
2.00pm
Have started drawing the morning Vision.
8th August 2026
The only thing I kept asking Swami is, Will you come,
Will you come…Because I can’t go on this way….In my life everything has fallen apart….No health, no career & a constant struggle with everything.
I don’t fit in any place….Had met a few bldg people for dinner…& then it just dawned, how this pain has completely changed the trajectory of my life.
If Swami doesn’t come then nothing is left for me to go on.
Not only are they 5yrs younger but they all are well settled in their work, children’s & in all aspects of life.
While I’ve been living in this pain for long, having no life.
It’s inspiring to see these women’s & how they have reached a certain place.
Truly if the woman of the house is healthy then progress is guaranteed. At times people don’t realise this basic gift of God!
Swami if you won’t come, then at least take me,
As 25yrs have passed this way & it’s enough now….
Don’t keep me anymore here this way.
2.16am
if you can’t give me a closure today, then I know you’re Never going to give healing Nor any kind of New Beginning. And it’s just painting visions and sharing it here in this work,
While life on all fronts has fallen apart!
Can’t even sleep due to this constant uneasiness,
And it’s almost 4am.
Please End my life if there’s no way out! Because the visions, paintings and endless Hope have all lost their meaning.
Did you give this work, to make me fail with no way out??? Because it sure feels that way.
With no healing nor any closure coming forth from you.
3.51am
After finishing the painting of yesterdays Vision,
I’m ending this work here. I don’t wish to include any more messages nor vision nor words of Hope. And I won’t share it with anyone either.
Rather let this work remain in the Silence of my heart.
Not even yours. Because I can’t do it anymore & I can’t take your Silence too.
I’m tired dying every second in this pain, I might as well die on my own! Without your Blessings Or Grace!
You Broke my heart…You Broke my heart…I have no way out mother…you have not intervened even for a single thing as per health, work, even Coco’s exhibition.
In fact the troubles are only mounting and what started from diagnosis of lupus to Cancer and later this never ending health challenge and the same patterns repeating with doctors…
I see People my age & even younger than me, have so much in their life to look forward to & have a place in this world, & I’m happy for them
But It feels like I’ve been wiped off in every which way, Having No meaning left in my life.
You Broke my heart!
I’ll finish this last painting of the Vision, but now I’ll end this work here post painting & sharing
4.29am
And then with this above message he’s once again giving me the assurance that I won’t be behind in my work even if I’ve started late.
Drawing of yesterday’s Vision is finished, but my heart is not there to paint, because he doesn’t reach out and it’s feeling like a one way journey.
But there’s a shift- Even if people might have jealousy or indifferent feelings seeing you in a particular manner of how I dress or carry,
I only see them as Swamis children’s- hurt, lost, trying to find their way back to their heart.
So even when these base negative feelings emerge, I don’t feel affected by anything. I see their weakness is much more overwhelming than the pain they send knowingly unknowingly outside in this world.
& That Weakness is born from Fear. Fear that they may not be accepted, Fear that they aren’t Loved!
And how can you get angry on those who are weakened by this Fear??? Yes Swami does lay the confidence such that he will make you fearlessly stand up too, But that also comes from a place of Purity within your heart & not Ego- Fear!
I know this Purity in me is safeguarding my energy field and I’m serving them more by this calm acceptance of seeing their fears & letting them be the way they are.
I know somewhere this Purity of Swamis presence like waves is touching some part of their hearts too. I see them as young children’s- lost trying to be accepted in this world. Where we are taught to be competitive, form groups, pass judgements & even bully…. And in some cases hurt others where law will take its course.
And I see this Fear even in those, who may have achieved a lot in worldly aspects, Yet I see their fears and why they behave in an unruly way…
Yet I know Now, I need Not even pray for their well-being’s, because Swamis Purity has Alreday touched their souls. And if he’s placed you there then there’s a reason even for that. Because his Vibrations of love within your heart are flowing out towards them & wiping out their fears, no matter how subtle it may be.
7.29am
& this is the crux of this entire work- Heart Of God, His Purity & Love within your heart, Heals all who comes in its path, Like the Sun that equally shines its light upon all. This heart within equally lends its love to all.
So weather he heals me & my family or not,
the crux of this work & the purpose behind this 7month journey is met.
9th August 2026
Swami has a way of reaching out to you,
When your Soul is drawn inward in this journey towards him.
Yesterday when I mentioned, that Ones Purity not only acts as a shield, but even heals those who cross your path & helps them be free of their own mentally created Fears
& just now I saw Swami acknowledge my souls journey, by making someone like this post of mine shared in 2025, in which the same is mentioned
Swami due to intense pain & draining of energy & fatigue, i couldn’t sleep.
So i started painting & worked past 3 in the morning.
Later again I tried sleeping but couldn’t,
though I kept having your darshan with both hands blessings, appear in my inner eye,
& stay there for quiet some time, as an assurance of your presence even through this tough times.
The chills in my feet have left me moaning & tossing sides on bed,
Hence I took a warm shower to help relieve myself from the pain & catch at least 4hrs of sleep, before the cleaning help arrives.
Swami I’m sinking & i miss Coco!!! I miss him maa!!! If i die, please come & take my soul!!!
For Nothing makes sense anymore with this kind of pain!
5.22am
above link to the musical program
Barely slept for less than 4hours,
& to divert my attention from the pain, i tuned in to to this musical program offered on Guru Poornima at Parthi, where beautiful devotional songs are sung.
Beloved Swami, I’m in your Protective Embrace & all that my heart is emanating is your Love equally for all.
Whatever is meant to be over in my life,
In terms of health, life, relations….
Finish it, please don’t keep me hanging in the middle ground of Grey zone,
With no answers nor any way out since last 26yrs
This Heart only emanates your Presence.
There’s Nothing left to Pray for itself,
Because Now it beats As Gods Heart
& A Prayer of well-being for all beings.
This Purity & your Love within is my shield
& even a blessing to help transform hearts who’ve lost their ways to Fear.
12.24pm
Swami was working on painting the vision- entire day, but by late evening I started going low in energy & hence stopped.
You’ve Given far too many messages of Assurances today….
But Now you have to come & Fulfil your every promise!!!
10th August 2026
Above link to post
Such a simple lesson, yet so profound of how to reach God.
This is the exact physical state I’m in, Where the sole reason I’m even Alive is because
his Grace is keeping me here.
Yet Swami,
You didn’t come & i truly have No Hope left that you’ll even come home.
Since this pain has got so heart-wrenching….
I’ve given up the wish to even exhibit for Coco & have even informed one of my college Freind that it seems highly unlikely I’ll be able to exhibit.
Considering the pain I’m in, feels like I’ll die.
And it’s good he has ended many things for me already,
So if I’ll leave I’ll leave with A Heart that’s Pure & full of his love.
2.54am
In fact death will be a relief! Maybe i was Never meant to do exhibition for Coco!
It’s Over! It’s Over!!!
All I’ll do is follow his above teaching to Contemplate on him, I’ll keep reliving that moment, When he came out in an open chair to give Darshana in context to my prayers and tears that if he’s ready to take my life’s responsibility as my mother then only should he come for giving Darshana
And after 45mins of relentless prayers & tears he did come, and I’m grateful that he accepted my life responsibility considering I have no way out with a pain like this.
Since Swami knows all of our future, So even the words of prayers he himself inspires our hearts to pray beforehand,
Knowing well that other than his Grace there’s no way out for someone like me
Actually this time in ones life, Where everything is taken away….
Swami shows the connection between Him & each soul, that other than Him No one can carry our burdens, our troubles and pain.
This bond between him and you is the ultimate Truth, Rest all is passing,
Because he’s One’s own True-self, & hence he’s going through the pain along with you and even if you may remember to call out to him Or not,
He will be there a 100% with you through it all.
This is one of the greatest Fear of a human mind,
Where pain & failures have a way to isolate you,
& that’s a time one shall truly taste & experience his Undying Love & Grace, because he Never Gives up, Nor Rejects you!
So even if most relations you thought were yours,
& May choose to leave; then that too is A Blessing,
Given to Realise that whether anyone stands beside or not, God will Never Leave you!!!
And His Grace not only protects but gives you strength to keep going. He Alone decides who lives & whose time has come to leave. I know my only Goal is to reach home, to reach him,
So all I wish to do is keep relieving that moment When he came in answer to my prayers, back in 2010 at Parthi, until I merge in him,
As this pain has crossed all threshold!
12.43pm
Baba,
Given the pain I’m in and a complete dead-end in my life,
I need my Fathers Protection now- Your Protection, Because A Father alone knows & never gives up on his child’s responsibility.
Hence I handed over all aspects of my life!
You know what I mean….And as my father, I ask you to show up now.
11.25pm
11th August 2026
Swami, I don’t know where this work is going, but it sure feels like a dead-lock. When Truth itself doesn’t speak for itself. Then only my sharing won’t be enough.
10.53am
This entire work came from you H2h.
Yet you waited 20days post pet scan to leave signs of blessing with your Vibhuti footsteps over it.
& even after that Everything is at a stand still.
Except for my deteriorating health,
So what’s the point of even Blessing the work, when my health is only going downwards. And everything has collapsed.
& Sai maa just see the irony of timing,
As Today I finished the painting of the Vision you gave me on 7th of this month,
PVision -
I’m seated tired and exhausted in pain, he comes to me,
He points to my heart then his heart & says these words- Heart2heart, Love2love & so are we bound, Yet free in Love!
I see his form is like the stamen of a flower and we all are individual petals. & I’m seated in that utter exhaustion due to pain and vomiting sensation. And there’s a fluidity of energy in his form & mine & at the base this flower is One,
Such that all petals are like individual beings, yet connected to him on a H2h level.
He’s like a flame of orangish pinkish hue & I’m pastel blue and other petals too have that blue-colour as well as have sketchy outlines. While there’s this energy of love connecting everything, holding each petal in place,
With Swami alone being the centre of each heart
& Yet each petal carries it’s own individuality & can dance & move freely.
9.40am
Later while I am bathing he gives the remaining lines
Heart2heart, Love2love & so are we bound,
Yet free in Love! From me to you & you to All,
This Love is here to bloom each soul.
We’ve come to blossom the earth soil,
We’ve come to show the Sky breathes upon our light,
We’ve come to show- All is Not Lost;
For Faith reverberates upon this earth; Every single time with A New Note.
Sing must we & Dance in the Joy of our Hearts,
& Love must we, & lend the Sky- A New way
of seeing & Believing through times-Dark!
For My Hope in a continuum of Gods Breath embedded within each soul,
My Child hence H2h, Love2love,
So are we bound & so shall we blossom in the Spirit of God!
10.08am
O Beloved Swami if this truly is from your Heart to mine, then why this Silence on your part…. Since you’re not coming home nor giving a closure of any kind. For without any closure of any visible sign of blessings Or healing from you- it’s just a dead-end in this work!
1.17pm
I’ve given it all in this work, there’s Nothing left from my end, to offer anything anymore, Now you decide, where you wish to take our lives, this marriage, healing, work, health, finances everything.
Just show yourself and tell me, after all that Shesha Sai visions & messages, where you wish to take my life because I’m done! 4.40pm
12th August 2026
Was listening to this musical program while painting Coco’s painting & this song struck a chord deep in me- Aur is dil mein kya Raksha hain, Tera hi naam….meaning What else is left in my heart but you Swami,
Such that I just broke down and cried profusely, and felt truly what’s there remaining in my life. Since there’s no point to my life here.
And maybe in the moment I cried so hard that my left ear completely blocked out.
2.00pm
Swami, 12th was the date when Coco left in April of 2022, & truly what’s left of my life too, Why not take me today itself. You’ve given thousands of messages of assurance but Nothing ever changes in my life.
And the way I get met in this pain that’s another fight in itself. Though I just administered the nasal drops to help alleviate the sinus passage as doctor said it could be due to cold
3.51pm
Swami is it, that I’m not even allowed to shed tears, Because this ear blocked as soon as i burst into tears in longing for you.
So what’s the point to such a life. Because this lupus has once again triggered the ear block like the sinus trigger back then which had affected the optic eye nerve & now this…
So how long & how far will I go on this way.
Let me leave today instead.
Because with a life like this of nonstop illness there’s no respect no dignity nor any life left.
3.55pm
The Only prayer & longing I’ve left is that you come, my Shirdi Sai & Parthi Sai & fully change my life, in such a way that this life of pain feels like some past life. That’s all I ask!!!
Healing for this family and you being our sole centre & everything!!!
Baba,
If you don’t show up before Atul leaves for Europe without any healing,
then I’ll know you’ve never once took my responsibility and the way I’ve been living for last 26yrs that’s the only way I’ll continue until I die. Because in the end I’m all by myself in such pain where there are no answers nor any life.
And you giving Darshana to my prayers back in Parthi truly means Nothing!!!
if I’m suppose to continue this way only, then why even bother to write or pray to you anymore, since lupus is affecting my hearing too. Due to latent sinus effect. And the repercussions of lupus are never-ending.
5.40pm
Some videos just make you happy, reminded me of Coco
it will make me happy, if you would come to our home, & bless us both and our lives rather than calling me to a Sai centre as given my health issues travelling till there feels too much.
It would make me happy if you would come to our home as you always promised with healing, abundance & Blessings of your presence.
11.52pm
Because I’m your child & you’re my mother & my heart and this home is yours. So will you ask your child to come and meet at someone else’s home, no matter how strong your presence is there, Or rather you will come to our home instead. Need A Closure and Blessings!
& it would truly make me happy, seeing you come here. Because this work about experiencing you as ones heart
13th August 2026
Everything is going to Change in a very Big way in you life! These words kept ringing in my heart since morning.
& just now, I see him applying Vibhuti on my forehead saying Everything is going to change in a Big way in your life. You’ve offered me your Unwavering Faith & Patience. Your Love, Truth & Honesty.
You’ve Chosen me over & over everything even when things didn’t make sense.
My Child everything in your life is going to change in a big way.
Because Those who choose God over everything-
God too chooses them!!!
9.45am
That’s all I did, kept you on top
I had asked Swami to show himself in action & no longer Visions and words. I had expressed through the day that please come, as he accepted my life’s responsibility as my mother.
& right now, I just deleted all those messages………
Because once again he didn’t come….
You can only fight and put your heart-felt voice with someone, Who is yours, But if every time they choose to remain distant, silent & indifferent to all your calls, then it’s just a one sided relation.
The Truth is Swami you Never accepted my prayer to be my mother, my father….
& there’s no point fighting with someone whom you don’t belong to, for every time they choose Silence over your prayers.
9.18pm
Baba today morning you said, When you choose God over everything then even he chooses you,
But you didn’t….
& One more day ended in heart-break, such that I wish I don’t wake up tomorrow morning.
14th August 2026
Where shall thou go My Beloved….Thou Never were in Prashanti Nilayam…
As Swami had given this message earlier- Yearning for God Alone is the way one can reach him…
Visualise those moments, when you longed for him…
Hence I kept reliving the moment, Whence Bhagwan came out in an open chair to give me Darshana back in 2010
& once again felt the pangs of pain,
Just this time when he came out to give Darshana the pain was much deeper, As Swami for some reason is Silent since last Vibhuti footsteps blessings
& hence I kept asking him- “Am I not yours, Am I not yours…”
That moment of His Divine Darshana, Where his face shone like gold, froze in my minds eye,
Whilst I felt the stamen of the flower is separate from the very core of my life,
And in that standstill moment of deep pain & longing for him, darkness once again engulfed and weighed upon my soul.
The only question that emanated deep down from my soul is- “Am I not yours, Am I not yours”,
then why this distance of Silence on your part
& in that intense pain,
I cried out banging my head at his samadhi in Sai Kulwant hall; feeling utterly dejected….
As to what’s even left to live for with a life like this,
Where Swamis Silence feels nothing less than an abandonment & a feeling that he has forsaken me.
Uable to bear this separation, I visualise pulling out my heart as a last offering to him,
Because if Swami doesn’t speak, then what’s to live for.
& Whilst I pulled the heart out- I see this heart
No longer is mine, No longer some part of this body,
& I see Shirdi babas face looking at me- one pointedly from within my hearts space, As well as Swamis face too there along with him
He shows This Heart truly is Gods presence in me.
& Swami no longer residing outside, as some separate physical form, Who comes to give Darshana in Parthi,
& Nor is he only residing as Shirdi baba at his samadhi in Shirdi.
My Beautiful Beloved has verily become this Heart and this very Presence of him has kept me here inspite of all the odds that life tried to beat me down with.
& Here in lies all love that for the pains of life I sought & seek.
This Heart is verily the Heart of God within.
I’m healed more from lovelessness then of the sickness of ones body.
This bond is so much internal, integrated as the very Conscience of my soul!
This Oneness is what brings Peace that man over lifetimes has been seeking!
Thou art no longer in any temple outside,
Thy very presence as this heart alone is the Truth that has carried & safeguarded me all along.
Thy Light suffuses this inert matter, as well as burns down minds of desires that outside of itself in people & things; it seeks
Beloved where shall thou go,
For this body has turned into a temple of thy Everlasting Prashanti!
Beloved where shall thou go, When my life here is an expression of thy Grace & A Love that never rejects nor leaves
This heart- is The Heart of God- Always was & Always shall be!!!
5.13am
Baba this health problem is yours & the healing too lies with thee!
I know the Presence of Thy Truth cannot be shaken,
But I pray you come to our house with all the Blessings!
PS: In reliving the moment when Swami came out in an open chair back n 2020, I see him again that way with his face shining, only that he’s Silent…..
& Whence in utter desperation I see myself offer him my heart as an expression that there’s no point continuing this way in life….
At that very moment Swami interjects his presence through a Vision of Shirdi baba and his face residing within my hearts space.
The Visions always come from a space beyond mind, beyond thoughts, even beyond subtlety of inspiration.
You know it’s coming from him alone, because my mind is no longer in the doer-ship mode.
It comes from a place that is Pure!
& with this Simple Truth he showed me,
there’s no plane where he isn’t.
He’s on all levels of consciousness and every prayer touches him deeply. And I may not understand why to some prayers he reciprocates immediately, like during this visualisation,
& to some prayers where I’ve asked him to come home and give us both a complete healing and a New Beginning, he remains Silent….
Yet I only pray he comes!!!
Was listening to this beautiful program of songs…above link
Swami,
Now please come to fulfil the promise of Healing given to me through this work & through these past 26yrs of prayers
Swami if after all these experiences, you still choose to remain Silent & not come, Then you might as well take me too.
1.53pm
Through the day I worked on painting the mornings Vision, But By late evening, I reached a point of Saturation, frankly speaking I’m not going to pray anymore Nor do I have any wishes left.
But now, I simply don’t care anymore,
& I have no intentions to even share this work.
In fact just want to be invisible from the face of this earth. As it is I’m wiped out in all aspects of life, But now just want to be in invisible.
Except I shall give my best to do the exhibition in coco’s love that’s all. But other than that, I don’t care as it is I’m dying every day in this pain, so if I die even with this cancer and lupus, i simply don’t give a damn!
9.00pm
Will finish the painting & share by tomorrow
15th August 2026
Just finished the painting of yesterdays Vision, Yet something deep down is so broken,
I remember him giving me this message,
A couple of months back- “Sirf sar nahin, mann bhi jhukna chaiye”; meaning Not just the head even your heart, your mind has to bow.
And if I could in any way express in words how challenging my life has got since last few months, believe me, my heart is crushed into several pieces such that I feel, this time I shall never heal in my soul.
I’m simply going on because I promised Coco-
“I will not give up”,
But yesterday when I reached the breaking point, even I felt….how in some European countries euthanasia is allowed, I felt that need to opt to end it all, because the pain is exhausting;
It takes a deep toll as it’s invisible most times & yet sucks all life out from me….
So after 26yrs if I feel this way, then it’s on Swami, that he failed in his responsibility towards my life. Because there’s nothing more left to offer.
Even in this work since last few months Swami is giving me these Visions so that I can go on from one day to another & somehow have strength to paint and carry on in this work, But there’s Nothing left in my life…
I know some devotee may read these experiences
& they may have thoughts of jealousy, wanting to have same experiences of Visions as me,
But by praying so, they will be lacking a heart of understanding for the pain I’m going through,
Where Swami has tested me such that everything is taken away and for last 26yrs there’s no life.
When people compare their lives with others it’s on a superficial plane that it doesn’t look like,
she is going through pains, by washing out the invisible battle that one goes through with their judgements,
Even overlooking there’s no sense of normalcy left in any of my day to day living and only I know how much it’s impacted even Atul’s life.
So if ever Swami may ask me to share this work,
I Hope whosoever reads may understand this.
Don’t compare, because you never know in your asking to Swami for experiences of visions or Otheriwse what he’s given to someone,
he may do so, by giving you the entire package deal, Where the ground beneath your feet will be pulled out….
As without those heart-breaking pains of life, & most people leaving your side, these Visions may not have any value. It’s only when you’re burnt down in darkness that you value light!
& maybe your spirit may not be ripe enough to bear these heartbreaks.
So rather “Be Happy” in what Baba gives you, because believe me, I wouldn’t wish a life like mine even on souls who have hurt me. Rather one should imbibe the lessons and bask in the sweetness of His love, Which will draw him closer!
For me, This work is Over!
& I’m no longer looking for any closures,
Nor do I wish any pain towards any being,
as there’s enough pain on this earth already
& in the end each & every soul, be in animal or humans, Who’s undergoing some pain,
it’s Swami alone who’s bearing it with them & giving them the required strength & courage.
That’s the Truth of His Love of A Thousand Mothers who shall Never leave you alone
So there’s no point ever to get angry on those who may have hurt you, because your life shall never change by hurting them back nor by equalling scores with anyone else.
For you will only unknowingly give that pain upon God,
Because he’s the Only One, Who in the truest sense bears all our pains in Oneness with us.
And there’s enough pain in this world, So why add more.
Hence don’t hurt, Simply live & let live!
1.44pm
Above link to post
Just a while back I wrote why one shouldn’t hurt anyone, & now in this messages he’s explaining what it is to love truly…. At times I feel this work shall never end- Because Love is Expansive, how chapters o er chapters are being written only he knows!
& Once again the assurances
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