Heart of God (continue part 7)
- Mar 12
- 51 min read
Updated: Apr 11
12th March 2026
Woke up with a sad feeling that Why Swami didnt reach out & later upon seeing this video, I felt…Wouldn’t it be nice that Swami would write to me too, being my doctor- write to me as my doctor regarding this Cancer,
Above link to post
To give away the back-story to my above thought…
Way back on 9th February 2015, I had offered blank pages in a letter, as my health report card, being frustrated that nothing would show up on any medical test.
So the report card was with a heading stating- Sathya Sai Diagnostics- Pathology Of Love & columns with patients name- age, gender and lab no, date, while below mentioning Dr of Dr Bhagwan Shree Satya Sai Baba- MD of Universe/ Cosmos.
Hoping that he would write to me as my doctor, what is this pain I’m going through, as back then I didn’t even know it was lupus.
I had kept the letter at a Sai centre in Mumbai & had “timely”, received a call that my letter was blessed by Vibhuti, so I should come & collect it- the day being 15th May, almost 3months later that Swami blessed the letter.
It was sealed & I had kept a pencil in it too,
that Swami should write to me in his own handwriting what is the pain I’m going through.
I mentioned “timely”, because that was the very first time Coco saw me breaking down, like I didn’t want to live & I had even tried to end my life back then
Baba being Omnipresent, knew I was at my lowest end & had cried through the day, and coco had cried along me, So he blessed the letter. Which Atul, Coco & I then went to collect by late evening,
as Atul had just come home from a long travel assignment & later came to know about the situation I was in.
When I opened I saw, on all the 6-7 blank pages Swami had left Vibhuti blessings, both back & front, which I then collected in a tiny cup back home.
Sharing pictures of my health report card blessed on 21st May 2015
But even then, Swami didn’t write my diagnosis. So I had this feeling that somehow he would reach out with a sign for me today….But, Yet again he didn’t…
So I felt sad, As Today is Thursday & today’s date being 12th When Coco left….
But for some reason, Swami didn’t reciprocate my feeling of Where do i stand with this Blood Cancer as it’s getting tough.
i Believe one shouldn’t have to beg for Love,
When one is facing some truly tough challenges.
Like Coco, Who would with his Forthcoming heart- Always Reach out & simply by looking in my eyes, He’d know- I’ve cried,
Maybe that’s how this Love of a thousand mothers- this Gayatri maa, Who had promised me- She’ll come- that’s how Swami should reach out!!! But he didn’t…
So frankly speaking i don’t know if i should go & even do this test….i don’t know anymore. When your Heart is Pained & Feels too Heavy; For All it Longs is Only for Sai to walk along that’s all-
Walk along me, every inch of the way, till my last breath in you gives away!
1.26pm
it doesn’t matter if i live or die- what matters to me is that every second of my life- Willingly with your heart you be there maa- the way Coco was- Why even every second, But every milli-second, you be there- that’s All i Ask!!!
Even if you’re not sharing about the Cancer for my protection…Yet in some way reach out, because for me you are the Only Doctor & maybe it’s naive of me to think- you as my doctor would in your own handwriting write to me my health report card….But that’s the way I am Swami, I want everything in my life to happen with you.
2.07pm
& then from within this Voice
“IM WITH YOU, IM WITH YOU, IM WITH YOU- AS YOU, IM WITH YOU MY CHILD- WE ARE NOT SEPARATE- YOU & I ARE ONE!!!”
2.17pm
13th March 2026
Baba you had mentioned earlier- it shall be 7 parts regarding this work, with that lil voice in my heart- way ahead, While we were still on the 3 part.
& I had felt…how is this work going to be this long, considering each part has multiple chapters & what are we going to share…I mean who’s even going to be interested in reading about my life in pain…
lil did i know what was to come as in this diagnosis with tumours & Cancer that you gave.
12.13am
Woke up to a Vision- 6.20am
i see Shirdi Baba walking along me, he’s holding my hand, though i can’t see myself- but i sense that he’s holding my hand.
He’s dressed in his white- & it’s ethereal, full of light, like he’s floating-gliding.
And then he tells me-
“My dear Child, I’ve been walking with you for lifetimes over lifetimes & shall be walking with you until the end of the time. You’ve never left my hand- I’ll be walking with you all along”,
With Pure White-Light emanating as he holds my hand!
Vision ends
i know Baba reached out to me, through this Vision because yesterday, i had told him- it doesn’t matter if i live or die,
but all I want is that you walk with me every second of my life…
& even though he didn’t reach out with a sign,
Of where do i stand with this Blood-Cancer…
Yet with this mornings Vision, he did acknowledge my deepest thoughts.
Things are getting tough with this constant sweating & viral symptoms that leave my clothes damp through the day….
For some reason i miss Coco a lot!!!
Today when i came across these beautiful sunflowers in the park- they reminded me of him- For i always painted him yellow as the colour of warmth- Sun & Happiness!
I truly don’t know, Where Swami will take me with this,
But i hope that this warmthness of Cocos love,
he kisses right within my soul,
So in these times tough, His Love keeps me steadfast & going.
4.40pm
later again this re-confirmation I’m always with you…
Seeing this picture I felt….Someday he shall write to me too, my medical report card, signed below his name- as my only doctor.
14th March 2026
Couldn’t get myself to sleep due to constant pain…Especially the nights, with these cold-sweats & the bones in my legs giving in to such pains, that it impedes my sleep
My way to counter this pain has always been to Focus on Good of life. So I usually counter the tough times of my life, by listening to some spiritual talks Or music, Paint when I can Or watch something meaningful or happy on TV.
& today too as I couldn’t sleep,
I was listening to a talk of of a devotee,
Who was sharing his experiences with Swami,
& he goes on to share that His Mother, who was then an 8yr old girl, was ailing with some rare disease & hence after no respite, his mothers family travelled to Parthi looking for a cure,
& Swami being All Knowing assures them by saying “The Cure is with me”, & materialises Vibhuti, which then goes to heal her.
But the way Swami timed up this message,
that he wished to tell me too, Was with A Vision that followed, just a couple of seconds to that Divine Assurance, even whist I was listening to the talk.
Vision-
I see him in his orange robe, reclining & smiling, as lord Vishnu usually is seen upon Shesha Sai.
The Vision stays for a few seconds. Until its essence is imprinted upon my heart.
I take a screen shot of the talk to note down the time of the Vision & it’s 1.26am
In a way Swami was reaching out to me too,
with the same message that “The Cure is with him”,
As Lord Vishnu symbolises Sustenance & since the beginning of this work,
Swami sent Shesha Sai to make a way for me in this journey of pain,
It’s truly touching, His ways of Assurance in my journey of pain & the length at which he goes through, With multiple signs of Blessings, to help me bear this pain related to Blood-Cancer.
Above link to the post
Later from my heart…
I Am Here…I Am Here My Beloved Swami- I Am Here in this Heart! As Layers of Skin- Peel. All that remains is Him! Take it all- even whatever remains as me- Peel it All until Empty- For Here is Where I Am. I Am Here!!!
9.43am
Today the entire day till late evening the pain got too difficult & I felt I can’t go on,
So I asked Swami should we go & do the blood test, to know how far Or bad it is…
& in the chits he said- yes.
This above message is beautiful & profound
as just before going for the blood test, I told Swami we shall walk through the park & then do the blood test at one of the labs in our colony & head home, As I asked him to come along with me.
This message is not so much about outward-tears, but pain within. For I didn’t cry “figuratively-speaking”, But yes- it more so stems form a place that - “you pls watch over me maa”
One should take these cycles of pain in ones life as one of the greatest Prasadam of Bhagwan to turn within, Because Nothing outside will be there to help you out, to process your minds patterns.
You have to deal with your mind. In order to Free yourself from patterns that no longer serve you.
The Mind longs to control, But the Heart is Simple like a child in complete Faith of its mother that is God.
A time will come when, No One Soul, shall be able to help you, Because Swami designs life such…
In order for you to step up, & be in the place of your Self.
And go through these seasons without being consumed & loosing your essence.
There’s no Greater Loss than Loosing Ones Self & becoming the mind that’s always seeking things outward.
So let Pain be & you too Be!
Rather than becoming the thoughts & patterns of your mind Or Minds of others which you may pick up on- Unknowingly, Only to Unnecessarily torture yourself with.
When One lacks Discrimination to “Observe thoughts as thoughts & Nothing more….”
For that Discrimination Alone is your biggest Fortitude, to help you safeguard your Self, from a whirlpool of endless thoughts & Vain talks that shall consume you & reduce you, into seeing yourself as a “victim”
While all along Swami reminds you are God.
It doesn’t matter whether you will heal Or die,
you will have money or struggle for 2 square meals, you will have work & a place here in this world Or not.
What matters is that, do you know yourself!
Know as in Experience & Not what you Or others think of yourself to be.
While doing the blood test, the lab collector asked the doctors name, Or weather I was doing the test based on self refrence.
To which I mentioned my doctors name as
Dr Sathyanarayan Raju & she was checking her
Data-base wondering, “no such doctor exists”.
So I mentioned her, you can just write Sathyanarayan as he’s my family doctor.
& while heading home, i was talking with Swami
& just to make matters light- I jokingly asked him, “How come she doesn’t know your name…she doesn’t even know you’re a doctor Swami…”
I Believe, these moments of life when Pain surmounts, take it as a stepping stone to turn everything to him.
Even your mind such that you no longer Mind anything & are Free.
Be Free, even before the death of this body,
Be Free even before this need to be liberated.
Because if you won’t do it, then None can help you with this.
Walk with the lightness of a child, Who’s ever aware that the mother is walking besides & when the Need be- she shall even lift you up & carry you through this.
Faith is liberating While A Mind that’s Not open is Suffocating & a disease in its Self that eats you up from within.
I Firmly Believe if One has A Pure Mind- A Beautiful Mind, then you’ll be able to go through the Challenges of life, Without ever being affected Or Reduced by it. No doubt there can be tears, But even those tears should be to Free you & not bind!
Yet, Swami Once again I’d say- you have to take the heat & go first.
Both these blood test, that you asked me to do has to reveal, what I’m undergoing since a month now.
11.52pm
15th March 2026
Above link to post
Just saw this post & felt…
Baba if you can write in the diaries of your students….i don’t know, if this was shot during summer course or some other time…
But here you are seen writing in their diaries…
Then why didn’t you ever write to me- My Medical report card as my doctor signed & other general things about my life added along.
It’s Not Fair Though….because I waited & waited…
Anyways tomorrow the blood test report shall come both CBC & Peripheral blood smear test. Wouldn’t it be nice- if before the test report comes you’d write to me….
So that my test report would come from Satya Sai Diagnostic- Pathology of love, Signed & Sealed by you as my doctor.
Truly it’s not Fair maa,
Am I not your student too…So what if I didn’t study in your University.
You sure did enroll me in this University called Life! Pls this time don’t break my heart that’s all!
8.55pm
I just received a notification that the CBC report is ready and upon checking it’s completely normal, except that Absolute Lymphocyte count is slightly elevated than the reference range which is 1000-3000 & mine shows 3096.
It’s definitely not alarming, but I do have swollen lymph nodes, with flu like symptoms & cold-sweats all day long, along with 3kg weight loss in a weeks time, that’s unlikely, Considering I don’t do any work-out, Nor is there any consistency to my daily walks.
Yet, inspite of the Vision from Swami & all the symptoms, I’m sure this will only be seen as body fighting infection after the latest cough cold viral that has gripped the city under its wraps.
& in No way is anyone going to believe it’s Blood Cancer maa…
I don’t even wish to check the peripheral blood smear test, Considering how Nothing ever shows up on any medical test.
Hence I had asked you to go ahead & take the heat, But I guess once again I’ll be put under the fires of judgment & scrutiny.
& im tired of dealing with this pain & than dealing with minds who lack Faith!
10.45 pm
Just now I left a note book with Swami & a pen, on which i wrote the lymphocyte count & that CBC otherwise is normal. Hoping that Swami would personally write my medical report card that what stage Blood Cancer is it & sign his name below as my doctor.
All i can do is Hope that Baba goes first!!!
& this time doesn’t send me to deal with all the nonsense that follows, When Pain is invisible & the test shows Nothing!
11.52pm
16th March 2026
Above link to post
Asatoma Sadgamaya is a profound Vedic peace mantra (Shanti Mantra) from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad (1.3.28) asking to be led from untruth to truth, darkness to light, and death to immortality. It is used for spiritual awakening, focusing on inner peace, clarity, and removing ignorance.
Truly lead me now & Finish what you’ve started
Swami this time all I wish to say is- Only if I’ve been your Student for life, then Reach out…
& if only you’ve Accepted that you’re my doctor then you have to give me a tangible sign regarding this Blood Cancer, irrespective of my other Blood test report. And it has to be done on this very day today. Not tomorrow,
No more- “my delays are not my denials”, No more again this endless wait & Hope.
Today itself you have to reach out -16th March 2026. If I’m not your student & you’re Not my doctor- then let things be the way they are!
Now Satya Sai Baba diagnostics- Pathology of Love has to be the catalyst to Finish what started 24yrs back with this health downfall that somehow Never shows up on any medical test!
1.44am
The other Peripheral smear test report too was mailed to me yesterday night itself and it’s Final Impression- Essentially Normal Peripheral smear,
Except again RBC are predominantly normocytic normochromic,
& upon goggle it means While the appearance is normal, this phrase often describes the red cells remaining in the blood when the total count is low (anemia) with Potential Causes: This pattern is frequently found in "anemia of chronic disease," where the body is not producing enough new red cells due to inflammation. It can also be seen in early-stage iron deficiency or following acute blood loss
I don’t know if this is considered as a red flag,
Or these slight elevated levels are due to viral infection my body fought earlier…
Though it Concludes stating that a normal peripheral smear doesn’t rule out underlying cause either.
So of course the only option I’m left with is Bone Marrow test. Which I sure don’t intend to go for.
Swami, Now you gotta step in & Finish what you’ve started, because without your Will nothing moves & there has to be a reason why nor did lupus nor Blood Cancer gets revealed.
Finish what you’ve started mother, & Finish today itself! Once and for all you write down my medical report card in your very own handwriting…signed as my doctor. Because your word is Final!!!
After your word, No doctor Or any person can question & overrule it.
So Please give me that Respect & Dignity in this pain!
This Silence on your part is no more helping me Swami!
2.01pm
No sooner do I write this, that from within that lil voice- “Chala Chala Santhosham Bangaroo”
By evening I just felt like painting this…something that my heart guided to paint…
Little did I know, later the way my energy simply dipped & a fatigue set in, such that i couldn’t get myself to cook, nor go for evening walk….
I lay on floor feeling i may not make it through. Seeing my condition, Atul suggested we should go out for dinner, As a change of place helps one feel better.
& We did go, but i was in my worst end with this pain. Like either i shall pass out Or not make it.
I pushed myself to eat, but it was truly a tough point in this pain.
These messages from Swami kept me afloat…
i told him, don’t ever leave me helpless no matter how bad the pain gets.
Above link to post with the message- He shall move mountains
By night i checked if Swami had written anything related to this Cancer diagnosis… in the notebook I kept with him…But he didn’t…
& I wasn’t even sad- due to the quietness this pain, leaves one with.
i simply Accepted & let it be!
17th March 2026
As i was unwell & couldn’t sleep, a few more messages from Swami as Assurance
Upon waking, that lil voice from within- “I’ve Got your back, I’ve Got your back” & it kept repeating on a loop for quite some time. Until I gained enough strength to get up.
9.05am
Through Vision- A Knowing
i see Swamis form in my inner eye, standing & smiling,
At first i realise, there’s only him & me. & later it reveals- there’s only Him!
He’s the Truth! He’s The Truth!
Bodies come & go, Life-Death-Pain shall be,
forms come & go, But He’s The Truth,
He’s The Truth! There’s Nothing Other than Him! He’s The Truth!!!
9.45am
It’s a Beautiful & Truthful message…
By early afternoon i asked him- “Do you want me to leave the notebook in the temple Or collect it….”, Considering he chose not to write my medical status, Nor Sign his name as my doctor…
& he answered by picking the chit- “leave the notebook in the temple itself”.
Whilst i told him- Now if you Ever Choose to write it shouldn’t come from Force but from a place of your Heart!
11.30am
By evening I couldn’t help myself, but write to Swami my heart felt, in the diary that I kept with him, stating that next month by 12th April 2026,
it shall be 4yrs to Coco’s passing & I’ve been struggling to Finish this work, Since he left to be exhibited.
The notebook that was a blank page with only Satya Sai diagnostic written upon it & Dr name, now has my heart-felt prayer.
Again a message of Assurance
Above link to post
18th March 2026
I’ve laid My Foundation upon thee…
Now even if I Falter & Fail…
Never shall I put my foot upon Grounds-Unstable! Unable to hold me…
Now it’s upto you My Beloved!
If My Life is weighed in Faith, Or I’m looked down upon- because I may drown in this pain
But, It’s Completely upto you!!!
Because you’re the Foundation upon which.
I’ve laid all of my life’s failed causes!
Now let it be thy will, Weather I falter & fail…
Or you lift me!
9.00am
Above link to post & A Beautiful message from Bhagwan.
I’m Ever Present in your home my child- I’m ever present in your home! - that lil voice from within
2.20pm
I was down with the chills & feverishness due to Cancer, And as artist one of the best way to go pass through pains is paint.
So I started with a sketch of doing this self-portrait….
& while the work was ongoing, some thoughts regarding the act of sketching I penned down-
i firmly Believe- A Selfie steals away the quietness A Potrait painting breathes;
The lines etched of pain that thicken & thin…
the cross-hatchings of ink; you loose yourself & become one with the drawing itself.
Whilst A Self-Portrait carries many an unsaid things-As it Breathes A Space where the viewer- gets enfolded in those quiet Breaths that this work got woven with!
And that Silence from the artist heart speaks to the heart of the world, Yet leaves many things Unsaid & that’s where it’s Beauty lies & It’s Mystery.
For it looks at you through the frame- Where neither the viewer, Nor the subject can differentiate as to “Who’s looking at whom”, As that moment of Silence plays a crucial role- Where there’s No Object, No Subject- & that’s the beauty a painting breathes!
5.13pm
if you wish to go pass,
Through some insurmountable pains
then you’ve gotta learn to stand bare foot in mud that soils your feet…
& Be Kind to thyself; For Kindness in itself is A Gift!
So when you raise one foot & stand upon the other, to balance your life- Very well knowing
the mud underneath may slide & make you slip & fall- you can still get up & walk,
taking each moment in softness upon “The Breath of God”;
Who teaches you to not give in! But Be Kind to thyself!
Be Kind the way you’ve been Kind to others for Now this Pain is given as A Gift from God;
To Remind you, You have to love thyself the way you’ve shown love & kindness to others!!!
For it is God in you that’s bearing the Pain all along & in your Being Kind, You’re being Kissed,
by the Heart of God!
5.20pm
I worked on the portrait till late evening….but still there’s much left to do
Later as i was seeing something on television - i came upon things related to lupus- that how it leads to multiple organ damage. It doesn’t have any cure, but can only be managed through medications-immunosuppressants- so that ones immune system doesn’t attack itself,
But in the long run those immunosuppressants are damaging the body & makes it sensitive to many infections.
& in some cases with hospitalisations, due to organs being affected, it can get quiet heavy on ones pocket.
I just Knew, Swamis Grace played A BIG role to keep me going, His Grace even to send Coco without whom i wouldn’t have made it this far,
Considering Zero medications with a pain that’s so challenging.
As Studies of individuals with systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) over roughly 24-25 years of follow-up consistently show an increased risk of developing certain cancers, particularly hematologic malignances (blood cancers) such as non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, 3-4 times higher due to chronic inflammation &
immunosuppressant’s effect in long term.
Knowing all these facts, i only had Gratitude for Swami for Coco, because if you remove these two from the entire equation of my journey through this pain- then i would have been Finished long back.
Even though all these years of Silently battling lupus, did eventually lead the body to Blood Cancer, Yet it would have been far difficult & damaging if not for this Pure Love as Swami & Coco by my side!
Its True All you Need is Him!
The Only thing One Should ever ask from
God is Grace, for maybe the problems of ones life may get resolved, illnesses may either get cured or take one down,
But Without His Grace- Life gets Stifling to Breathe & that’s truly no way to live!
His Grace Alone is Needed!!!
For along with tears there was laughter & lightness walking beside Coco- Who Truly was Gods Grace upon me!
11.34pm
19th March 2026
Swami will this Pain ever end…Or will my body end in this pain… Either ways Pls Finish what you’ve started!
7.46pm
“Your Every Act of Kindness is noticed by me- My Child!”,
I’ll move thy earth to heavens, Just Be There- Whilst i carry you through this storm- & Until i break in for you- “A New Dawn!!!”
10.17pm
again that lil voice of Swami within
above link to post
it’s Ugadi, Gudi Padva- New Year though I feel nothing as such…
Above link to post
Above link to post
later in the night again this message of assurance to my mornings thought- will this pain ever end
20th March 2026
Early morning message as once again I couldn’t sleep due to pain…
I’ve been continuing with my pen & ink art work,
I started on 18th…
I Believe, Sketching helps to still the mind & clear many thoughts
It’s a space of focus & once you focus on something other than the thoughts of your mind- those repeated pattern thoughts playing on loop- then that Act of Focus helps clears the mind to think & see life from a Fresh & New Perspective
just now while trying to finish the self portrait I started two days back…while sinking in energy…
i told him- “I’m So Tired, I’m So Tired of Being Tired!!!”
& from within he says- “You’ll get more than you’ve asked for”
1.00pm
God is Presence- God is presence within your heart; Without that Presence you can’t even lift a finger, Nor move, Breathe Nor have a body Or Mind to think;
It’s the Presence within that moves the atoms of ones body. It’s the Presence that expresses itself as Joy, As Peace, Even Whilst the body maybe under duress of some sickness. It’s the Presence within that changes perspective & trajectory of ones thoughts- it’s the Presence that Enables even a thought to Breathe!
It’s the Presence that art the Existence of Life in All It’s Valour & Beauty!
Other than the Presence Nothing is- it’s God who paints & God who receives!!!
It’s This Presence within that Heals,
As Nothing outward can even touch Or begin to heal the sickness Or imbalance within.
1.45pm
Again a Vision of Swami
standing & lovingly patting my cheeks. Whilst he tells me something very personal- that can’t be shared here…
So am just sharing this closing line that he said
“My Child- This Swami Stands by you!!!”
2.20pm
Above link to post
Just today morning had a passing thought, Gayatri maa, you gave a vision a couple of years back & assured you’ll come to my heart & this home, then why it’s taking so long… & then this message from Swami about chanting Gayatri mantra
Above link to post
& then again his assurance as the divine mother…
Above link to post
Today’s date- 20th March, in 2011 when these photos were taken, a few days prior to Swami being hospitalised, & the lengths this God went to show he’s not separate from any being, to go through a month of being hospitalised…But it’s True Only God can do namaskar to the God within each- That’s the Purity, Simplicity & Selflessness that God Breathes for He sees himself in each.
- I’ll i guess it’s just this Simple; Keep doing Good & The Good will Eventually catch-up with you!!! 11.18pm
Baba I know you’ve been working behind the scenes for me- quietly absorbing storms that would have been so difficult for me to bear. So Thank you for everything & for getting this far in life.
21st March 2026
It’s about time, Give yourself Entirely to Thyself! It’s About time to Be Whole in Thy Being;
For part of parts I’ve given to him & her;
But Now i take it All Back to Rest in the Being!
The Being is Simple Yet Powerful- it’s Truthful to it’s Self; Yet is Kindness that Forgives with it’s Silence- To Breathe Space!
It’s Beauty lies in it’s Silence; Yet when in flows into words it give Hope & A Belief that-
“Good isn’t Lost!”
Yes the Being Verily is Hope- Yet it Asks Nothing to Change- For it knows naught to Control outcomes to suit it’s Self-interest!
Nay! It’s too Contained in its Emptiness to hold anything of “a desire-full weight!”
It’s Simple & let souls be,
For it’s Kindness lays in the Space to Not wanting to Change anything-
But with it’s Silence; It Allows Transforming!
& in it’s Being, It shows the way different than how, “A thinking mind would often think!”,
For it’s Beyond Thoughts…
This Time of Grace comes to few…
& Now it’s befallen upon me as there’s Nothing left outside of it; That brings this Awareness,
Of Being Whole, Fulfilled, Yet Empty!!!
11.04pm
Gods Love is Far Greater than All the Love put together….& That Love in your heart- Is Only A Reflection of His Love!
For on your own- There can be No Love!
But with God there’s Nothing But Love!!!
12.39pm
Swami, No matter what happened in my life,
Due to this Pain that truly has been & is deliberating Since past 24yrs,
along with most relations going sour, because humans are too fragile of beings when it comes to Love & Kindness- that dogs so naturally within every inch of their souls & body, So effortlessly carry & give…
No matter what happened Or Shall be-
Pls Don’t let my Art Suffer- Because for me painting & poems were Nothing but a communion with you, Since my College days.
I gave a lot of myself in relations that didn’t value my gifts & that’s ok too, it was a lesson for me & a loss for them…
But I’ve sure lost a lot of time with this pain,
& All I Ask is that don’t let this Art Suffer, this Communion go pass by without being shared the sweetness of this labour of Heart2heart…
I pray, you make me independent financially too as an artist. So that this communion Never Stops till my last dying breath, As Art as a profession is an uphill battle until one can earn it’s living through it…Which of course in the present, due to Atuls support I can pursue…
Maybe Id like to slip into my death, Whenever it’s meant to be, while painting a Portrait of Love-
Of yours & Coco’s that’s all!
1.06pm
Once again Swami confirming my early afternoon thoughts, that give yourself entirely to Self, for there’s Nothing outside for me
By evening, almost 4days to when I began this work, it’s Finally complete…With a lot of breaks due to my ailing health, But I’m Grateful that I could work & complete it.
22nd March 2026
Just wish to say this Beloved Swami,
Thank you for getting me this far,
For showing me the way to my Heart-
For freeing me from the vagaries of the mind,
both mine, As well as being Observant of others,
Not Judging but Observing & by doing so,
Saving me from a lot of Trouble.
People who are troubled by their minds
Often nag, compares, complain,
dwell in past or are fearful of their future.
But you gave me A Beautiful Mind,
& the parts that were painful of my life- you helped me Observe & Transcend them by living fully from my Heart & Soul, Fearlessly, Truthfully, Not to Please any mind, Yet Being Kind!
Thank you truly, Whilst some suffer in body, some in mind…But with God beside,
you go through pains that are truly challenging,
Yet within there’s A Fulfilment & Peace that No one outside- Be it your parents, spouse or children’s can give.
Though Coco could do that for me- He taught me to Love myself, Irrespective of the failures through this pain. Dogs Truly carry Gods Heart!
Thank you For Everything!
& it’s True You were the Answer all along,
Cause there was No Cure for Lupus & since my many experiences with this pain,
I know You Alone are My Cure for Cancer too.
You saved me from the effects of long term immunosuppressants, by Not letting any test confirm it’s lupus.
& Only since last couple of years through chits you mentioned it’s lupus, Which you then went
on to Confirm through the Vision in this work.
Thank you for giving me a supportive husband,
I mean he too could have chosen to leave like most.
Yet, I know even without my support, this life wouldn’t have gone this far, given the scenario with this pain & the nature of his job.
And Thank you for coming to me as Coco.
But overall Thank you for making me Aware of this Presence, this Self by absolving the mind.
Thank you! For Being My Answer All Along,
& truly it doesn’t matter knowing- what stage or how bad this cancer is….
1.08pm
Every time you Expand in your Heart;
You allow me to Breathe….
Truly your heart is a Gift!
1.32pm
while cooking- again that lil voice of Swami within…
23rd March 2026
Early morning Vision- i see Shirdi baba in his white kafni, swiftly walking towards me
& then he puts both his hands around my head, with his palms placed upon my ear & looks staright into my eyes,
While I’m seated…So he bends down & communicates this from his heart to mine- “Everything is about to Change My Child”, “Everything is about to Change”,
& while he says this- he shakes my head- with his hands as to acknowledge in a nod- “Believe when i say so”
& then he goes on to say- “just hold on for a little while”
While in the background these words echo-
Pran jaaye par vachan na jaye!
(As symbolic of lord Ram- that- He will even give away his life, But Never go back upon His Promises- His word!)
3.57am
Vision ends!
Basically i was moaning in pain as my feet were gripped in chills & for a long time I couldn’t get myself to sleep,
& in that state of being half-asleep, half awake, with unbearable pain- i kept telling him-
“you’ve given far too many promises maa, But not even one is fulfilled…” while all along these years, I’ve kept my Hope & Faith upon you….But it’s just too much to bear now…
& while i was moaning such, he reached out with the above vision that His Promises are bound to be fulfilled- “Hold on a lil while, with Belief!”
4.07am
As the pain was unbearable & I kept chanting
Sai Ram, Sai Ram & almost 30mins had passed to this Vision,
Later to divert my mind, I went onto to check insta & what I receive….once again made me ask him-
“How on earth are you really doing this”,
Above link to post
this picture here, that I took a screen-shot, while viewing the message, is the exact way Shirdi babas hands were placed upon my head, but in the vision they were on my ears & he had bend down to look right into my eyes…
So once again, he went all the way to further assure me- “don’t give in now…”
I truly am so humbled & touched by a love that’s So Selfless & Pure, helping me cross this tough times of my life, saying You’re Not Alone My Child!
Again reassurance- Don’t Give up!
Later after catching some sleep & by morning as I was about to share the above experience on my site,
For some reason Swami just made this post surface, through all of my notes.
I had posted this work on 6th July 2025 & upon reading again, I intuitively felt, that he wants me to share this work here…
People who are untouched by a pain that has befallen upon someone for a Prolonged period of time, often tend to look down upon them & see their life as an outcome of “A Negative Mind-set”,
hence the things they share, Seem so far fetched from the journey that the soul has already embarked upon in it’s pain.
This only happens because they lack humility as well as empathy towards others in pain.
They lack humility cause they’ve not lived from a place where they have “Zero Control”, upon their lives.
For independence is often “perceived”, as being able to achieve ones set-goals, be it menial day to day tasks like walking, breathing Or working.
While “True In-dependence” is when you keep going even whilst these menial tasks seems beyond the crushing pains of ones body.
This journey that a soul takes is far beyond this short lived thinking. For God swallows the thinking Mind of all Negatives & Positives-
“With A Kiss of Humility!”
& that’s when One Becomes A Silent Prayer; Where life brings you down upon your knees!
It’s A Space filled with Gratitude & Equanimity where every breath one takes- is His Gift!
& from there stems Forgiveness- “O Beloved, they truly don’t know what they think Or speak!”
Sometimes God gives you this pain not out of Punishment but Love; Cause He knows your Heart is Ripe enough to carry His Soul amidst such animosity & bitterness where His light through your every pore spills! This Humility is like being thrown into a raging river, knowing well- it’s Gods arms that envelopes you & keeps you afloat,
Even whilst others feel A Great Pride, in knowing that they are able to swim across.
This humbleness of a child makes God carry you and hold you so close to his bosom that even if waters of pain may touch thee, Yet they Suffocate not- Thy Spirit!
Tell me in all this,
“Where is a mind of thoughts, be it positive or negative??”,
When there’s Only Love that comes for Ones rescue!
Only & Only because God Chose to Kiss upon your soul- Such A Pain; that “in-disguise”, was only meant to bring you closer to him;
“Only meant to be A Blessing!”
PS- These words of the post truly fall in place with the above Vision, because his love has kept me afloat all these years, through these raging rivers of life.
12.47pm
One thing that’s become clear through lessons of life with Swami is that, if there’s something truly pressing; be it health-pain, relations, finances or any so called wordy issues,
if you can remain in A Space of Mind that’s Detached, Observing, Not opinionated, Nor Judgmental, But Kind with its self,
& then Perceive the issue as though it was an event that’s happened many years back,
When something felt so pressing than, But Now seems like a distant-memory that doesn’t sting, because it’s helped evolve ones soul to meet life in a way that’s beyond thinking.
Not Control the situation, Nor manipulate Or even underplay the challenges,
Simply let that pressing issue Be!
And Observe your mind as well as surroundings for what they are
Than that Act of Observation alone places Ones mind into the Heart of God,
& Rather than Reacting to situations as that’s what Ones Mind is abled with,
You will Act from a place beyond thoughts,
Thats your heart, With God & For God-
“No situation is Big enough to deal with”
Yes God as presence is Constant, Even eager to help, But he won’t Force upon you, Nor meddle.
He won’t take over by Force, Because God waits to See whether you choose your mind- Or you Choose Him as your heart for guidance.
& Only when you have let things be,
in this Space of Observing.
Thats when Surrender surfaces from within.
& in that Surrenedr he takes over the limitations of your mind & helps you transcend the problem that otherwise given the nature & vasanas of ones mind carried from lifetime over lifetimes,
can turn the whole situation into something quiet Overwhelming to live with.
Not just for you, But even for people around.
Letting Go of a situation that’s beyond you is
Not A Sign of Weakness, Nor Surrender is being Passive; In fact it’s the Greatest Gift you can give yourself- A Mind that’s calm,
That doesn’t live upon wounds of past & keeps hurting itself & others
Because In This Act of Observation you ask God to take over- & your limited mind gets absolved in “The Universal Mind of God” & that’s a relief for your soul; from where A New Way, A New Path is Born!
1.26pm
Swami,
All I ever ask is that you be with me, Never leave me.
6.10pm
& to the above thought this message from Baba
Today after almost 2days I decided to go for my walk. But later I just sat in my apartments common area, enjoying the breeze, seeing life pass by. People either taking strolls, Children’s playing, & some heading home after a long days job.
As I sat there, enjoying the breeze,
I told Swami, many women’s my age are either working Or have children’s to look after…
But due to this pain- 25yrs have gone pass by,
I do not have a place in this world as an artist, as I’ve not yet done any exhibitions in galleries, Nor am I getting any younger, & with this ailing health…I mean what am I gonna do.
All I did was keep Hoping against Hope all these years,
& I jokingly told him- “Hope you’ve planned my life”, because I sure have lost a lot with these ongoing health challenges….& i don’t know where I’m heading,
being home-bound for 25yrs due to this illness is a long time Swami. And by being home-bound I literally mean having zero choice to do things on my own, considering the uncertainty with this pain.
lil did I know, that even to my passing thought,
That I expressed to him a while back, he’d reach out with a message-
24th March 2026
When i kneel down by thy feet- That’s the only place I’d say- i need. & that’s the only space in this world which I’d say- is truly mine to call & be.
For you’re my world!
Yes you’re my world & that space by your feet- is the only place i have here, to call as my own,
Where I truly belong…& the only space….i truly ever need!!!
Other than that, even if i may traverse someplace,
I know..i don’t belong anywhere…
Nor can i call Anyplace as my home!
That tiny space- holding on to thee- Is All i ever Need!!!
6.12am
When you’re there by his feet in your heart & soul, in a sense of Belongingness that you’re His & He is yours!
later by evening this message felt like He will come home & with new member it felt, he will get Coco along. Baba communicates with the subtly of heart on many levels, just that One has to be Silent in one’s mind!
25th March 2026
Baba, i just wish to merge in you, merge in this aspect of love that’s you & Coco.
I’ve seen enough of this life, Enough of pain… I have No desires left in me…I just want to merge in you… i have no place here in your world & with the experiences I’ve had in life- I don’t think I can live from a place that’s goes against my inner call- So as to be fitting in for someone, For I’m no longer that person anymore.
Please let me merge in you- that’s All!!! Everything is Finished in my life!!! It’s All Over!!!
& I’m done here!!! Let me merge in you!
It’s like something in me has died…& all that earlier felt important, not longer holds any value. Other than this deep longing- I as me no longer exist!
12.49am
So, if you want to share this work now,
I’m fine with that too- before 12th April- Cocos passing date & 24th April being your passing date; though you left your physical presence in 2011 & Coco did 11yrs later in 2022.
And I’m Thank full that your Presence is ever felt within as the only Truth.
But, I’m Done here & i wish to leave that’s all.
Don’t want any healing, don’t even want any answers regarding this Cancer. Just want to leave.
i pray my soul merges in you & there no more life for me- No more mornings to wake up in a body, but A New Dawn that merges everything in it’s Love!!!
12.55am
Above link to post
Since I couldn’t get myself to sleep, again due to the pain & cold sweats through the night,
So I tuned in to listen to some talk, Whilst All along kept holding his feet in my heart- telling him- it’s enough this life, this pain & upon waking this very first message from Swami, his Aarti felt good.
& later immediately this message, where he’s showing me he knows- I kept holding on to his feet.
26th March 2026
Swami always knows what you’re going through…hence this message…
It’s Simple right…Through every storm, just walk with him, just walk with him.
Was feeling so very uneasy with pain & energy draining like sinking, that i diverted my mind into doing this painting of Swami.
There’s this Free & Unabashed energy that I’ve worked with, the way I’d work back in my college days. & later took a shower, washed hair as the pain upon scalp was draining me out & leaving me fatigued, hopefully i can get myself to catch a few hours of sleep.
Swami with a lot of Grace you’ve carried me…
Now when you Finish this story,
Finish it with A Lot of Dignity, Respect & Love…
For Bare Naked down to our souls, both Coco & i have walked upon this path of Truth,
& done Right even in the face of some of the worse experiences.
Now when you shall Finish our story- Let it reveal All Along it was for Love of God & with A Spirit that didn’t bargain it’s Purity!!!
3.15am
i just happen to see in the calendar, it’s Ram Navmi today & Thursday so good i could paint this. Now Swami all the more reason to meet the Truth of mine & Cocos heart- With Truth that you embody. Otherwise it’s all just empty words- Beloved!
If this Pain brought about such downfall in my life- Then My Heart Alone Shall Bring you to my door- My Sai & Now thy promises can’t ever fail- for didn’t you remind me…
Pran jaye par vachan naa jaye!!!
So Fulfill your Promises to meet me with Truth,
& in Honour of mine & Cocos life!!!
3.24am
Later A Vision
See Ganpati Bappa, hes golden, though not a statue but Alive.
& he’s wearing a bright red dhotar. His right hand is in Blessing form.
While in his left hand He’s holding a modak, Which he advances towards me & offers the sweet.
Vision ends
5.20am
Upon searching the meaning-
Seeing Ganpati Bappa in a dream in a golden form, wearing a red dhoti (or Sindoor-colored attire), and offering you a modak is considered an extremely auspicious and powerful spiritual blessing. This dream typically symbolizes the removal of obstacles (Vighnaharta), the fulfillment of desires, and a significant phase of divine blessings, joy, prosperity, It signifies that your hard work will be rewarded with sweetness (modak) and that you are under divine protection
11.00am
27th March 2026
Vision-
Swami is seated on my bed, With both my feet placed upon his lap & he’s rubbing my foot to relieve the pain caused due to cold sweats & chills from Cancer & the draining energy due to lupus,
I’ve been experiencing upon my scalp, Since yesterday night.
(I was able to start this work, Only on the 29th & finished it by 30th early morning 1.44am, due to the pain that followed post the vision, But this is the exact way I saw Swamis face, & there’s so much Humility & Kindness with which God meets )
& i try to immediately pull my feet away from his hands & lap, knowing He’s God…
Saying- “Swami, Pls don’t do this”
To which Swami responds- “Why Not, i know your pain-I’m your Mother!”
2.00am
Few messages in-between as the pain kept me awake…
Above link to post
Above link to post
& i don’t know how to put in words- but his presence of sitting by my feet- rubbing them so as to relieve me, just kept growing…it’s like i could sense him sitting by my feet, upon the bed, through the night.
later i asked him- Why are you doing this…. “Massaging my feet…”
& from within my heart He Responds- Because when a devotee serves the lord in complete Truth; Then that offering is completed- by Swami serving it’s own!
For when Swami accepts something then he’s bound to give back a ten fold! An act of Selfless service alone makes the lord- “A Servitude to the one who gave from its very soul!”
Hence Beloved i came to Serve you- for thy selflessness is where Rests The Heart of God!
O Beloved, you are my very own!
3.51am
4.05am
Within the quietness of my soul- i felt what’s more left to say…Who can love me this way,
Saying- I’m his very own, sitting by my foot, through the night & massaging them so as to help me sail through this pain
Maybe we don’t deserve such a love- But maybe…We “Need”, this love to remind us, that every tiny act of selflessness, Can Never go “Un-noticed”, by the lord!
When people receive the gifts of your heart & in-turn, turn those gifts “Bitter”, by not meeting you with kindness & instead leave your heart pained with their uncalled anger & hatred…
Then the lord of the Universe shows- No act of kindness has ever gone Unnoticed by Him,
& when Swami acknowledges this truth, than truly there’s nothing more left to ask for anything
For This lord is a servitude of his own!!!
4.41am
PS: Basically yesterday i had asked him, Why were you Silent all those years, With the pains i was met with- the anger, judgements, manipulative control of minds in fear & lies,
Along with my ongoing struggles through this physical pain, When all i did was give away selflessly & Never waivered from the Truth of my soul in those challenging times.
Yet,
later by evening i came to a closure, that how can those who tear you down- inspite of years of your Selfless-Givings, Ever Acknowledge the sweetness of your heart! & i just let that thought be.
But, in No Way could i fathom, that Swami being all knowing, would come this far,
to Serve me with Kindness- the way i had served with all my heart to others.
Hence he came, to not only help me sail these physical pains, But to wash away the pain of Unkindness & Indifference that i was met with for decades
5.09am
Above link to post
Above link to post
This post is special because I always wanted,
that at least once, he address me as “Dunnapothu”, Which he would lovingly tell his students while admonishing, the word means “Buffalo”
Though i couldn’t sleep a wink, due to the extreme chills in my feet, & draining in my head, that kept me awake pass 7.30am, leaving me no choice, But to catch a couple of hours of sleep later.
Something within me dissolved in Him; To A Love that’s so Humbling- to a God who comes to give relief to his child & in doing so, those years of Silent Pain upon my soul- Washed away into A Quiet Love & Stillness that surged from within.
These debts can Never be repaid Beloved Sai!!!
& Nor do I wish to repay them ever, Because I wish this love to Never End!
7.09am
Later I realised that post the Vision & Swami explaining why he was massaging my feet,
he had even given a message, in context to something so trivial that happened yesterday night.
As last night, I was draining in extreme pain, & was watching videos of dogs on insta,
Just to lighten my mood, when an astrology video surfaced, Showing the money lines on one’s palm, that shows they are bound to have a life of riches.
I don’t believe in all these things…Because I feel there’s A Higher Power that defies such things.
But as is my habit to turn all my moments to him,
So, I jokingly mentioned looking at my palm-“What Swami there are no money lines…you’ve not given me that blessing….” & I forgot about this light-hearted banter on my part.
But that lil voice that explained the Vision, even answered this “You don’t Need money lines, When Lord Narayana stands with you, & wherever the lord is Laxmi is bound to follow”.
I mean Swami went on to show, that Not only he knows that I was joking with him, but used even this light-hearted situation, to impart a message based on Truth-
That When God is by your side, then everything, be it material as well as Spiritual success is yours.
Above link to post
He again goes on to confirm the vision that he sat by me through the night as I was moaning in extreme pain, with this above message here.
He knows your every thought & he keeps sending messages of assurance to help you gain Confidence in your very own self, that’s him
28th March 2026
Once again an intense pain through the night-
I went through menopause way too early in my life, given this chronic pain due to lupus.
But This pain that has resurfaced is what a woman goes through, during her menstrual-cycle, around her uterus.
The pain is as intense as it was 2yrs ago, when the scan revealed polyp’s for which I was asked to undergo a surgery back then.
But as Swami had mentioned than- temporary help is of no use, Considering through this work he’s revealed lupus, tumours & Blood cancer.
Hence Treating the symptoms is of no avail- for now Swami needs to catch the bull by it’s horns.
So, Whilst in this pain, i told him- “I’m tired Swami with this intense pain”- & from within he says- “With this Sai by your side, you cannot Fail!”
8.47am
Once again the message on the same above lines, you cannot fail…
Right now…in this unbearable extreme pain i tell him…I’m Just Tired living this way- dying very second, it’s better to die once.
& from within that lil voice- “Everything is about to Change. Just go through it, Holding my hand!”, “But Everything is about to Change!”
3.37pm
Again this message here, what he told me from within this afternoon, that hold my hand, everything will change….
The entire day went in tremendous pain & I couldn’t paint the vision that Swami gave yesterday, but hopefully tomorrow it’s a lil better day.
29th March 2026
At times, some experiences bring about tough lessons & you just feel like you don’t want to go down that road again. It’s good not to harm others, But it’s equally important to safeguard yourself too with minds that are otherwise lost.
So I had shared something with Swami, yesterday night in that context & Swami send this message.
I guess the lessons are there to guide your spirit, But the Spirit in itself is Equally Free & Fearless,
& this entire work is based on Following the calling of ones heart. So Swami was once again assuring me, go ahead boldly, because now history won’t repeat itself.
12.42pm
Swami…Why don’t you take me, take this soul, & let me merge in this love that’s you & Coco. Just merge in love. There’s Nothing for me here, Nothing left to say, Nothing left to prove……
This message is context to longing that I shared with him today afternoon- Nothing more left for me here, Just want go merge in you and coco.
30th March 2026
Once again barely slept for 4hours as I was sinking in this pain, but managed to finish the painting of the Vision where Swami was massaging my feet.
Had got in touch with few of my friends from J J school of art earlier, as we were suppose to go
see an exhibition this week of a batchmate & after speaking to them, this feeling swelled, so much of my time is lost.
This Pain took away so many years of my life.
Whilst they have worked their way to build their career in art. 24yrs of my life have dwindle & Since my “Now is a constant mode of Survival”- there’s No Future for me in this competitive world, Where I’m very much aware I don’t fit in. So after finishing the work, I was awake due to pain till almost 4am.
Later this message from Bhagwan
Every step of the way, Every step of the way,
Gods Love Guards & Guides; Simply Hold on to this Heart- This Heart of God within…
For He shall Not Fail to meet your life’s challenges.
When the way ahead seems dark & No flickering lights are there even to blink & reveal the path ahead…Simply Hold on to Him!
When everything seems to fall apart & it’s too much for you to bear this heat of life’s pain-
Simply Hold on to Him!
When songs of youth that once overflowed with Joy; Now seems to die in faded notes of life-
Simply, Hold on to Him!
For None has got your back, the way he does, None has understood the pain- that life upon you have thrust, But Him!
Every step of the way- Just Hold on to Him-
For His Love Guards & Guides & in His Selflessness- He kisses Humility &
Kindness upon your soul to remind you-
This Earth; Every time Breathes A New Sky,
Where Love Alone Shall Conquer All Pains & Fears of Ones Mind!
“O Beloved Child of God, Simply Hold on to Him!”
10.35am
I Believe you have saved me from this lupus far too many times than I shall ever know- Literally saved my life.
It started with this work of this Bronze idol of Swami, in place of the Silver Shesha Sai & it’s only befitting to share this here as a closure.
Swami there’s Nothing much left to say or share, i end this here, Hope its fine! From my end it’s done!!!
7.53pm
Today even that pen & ink work of Coco is done.
Above link to post
Yes you Changed my life entirely with this beautiful work…But Now even this has to end!
Swami, I don’t think I wish to fill any more pages in this work with this Hopeless Wait & Endless pain,
it feels like the story is getting repetitive -
Ive slept, I can’t sleep, pain is intense, Hope Against Hope, Visions, Gratitude, Repeated by episodes of Intense pain, Will this ever end…
I’m just done maa…I paint, Again Gratitude, Gratitude, O tomorrow shall be a better day, Answered Prayer, Unanswered Prayers…
24 yr wait shall end, Believe-Believe…Don’t give up…
it’s Enough!!! It’s Enough because out of Respect for Coco’s life….It’s Enough…Out of Respect for my Spirit, It’s Enough. It’s Enough don’t wish to know where do I stand in this pain…in this Cancer….Am not gonna do any test too…
And will only do this exhibition in Respect to Coco’s life as on 12th of April 2026- It’s 4 years since he’s passed on & so much has transpired in context to my illness. But Now I can’t disrespect his life. I only need to exhibit the paintings mostly done after Coco passed on, & Share His Love with all!
Post this what so ever happens with this Cancer I’m fine. I’m not looking for any healing, Nor any Answers. Whenever you wish to share this work, Please just ask me & I’ll go ahead. But henceforth no more teachings, messages of Hope or prayers. It’s Enough!
Until & Unless this chapter from my life ends- I know there’s No Beginning for me & in no way am questioning your Will to intervene at the perfect time.
But for me there’s Nothing more Perfect than honouring Cocos life. That’s all!
And its Alreday end of March & April starting, 4th year to his passing, this is Enough now for me!
11.52pm
Thank-you For Everything!!!
31st March 2026
My Heart Now Rests in The Self!
11.34am
Started this work on iPad, yesterday night as body was crushing in pains…Whilst- I- as Presence inspires to keep going & paint.
And so till 4am I painted
This painting was done last year, Which I’ve used as collage to the above work
The Nightingale sings even through Botched experiences of life…Blue its Colour became of tears that wept…Yet it’s Heart Breathes A Sun of yellow within. With A Gratitude for All That Life Takes & Gives!
Yet, I No longer am the tears, Nor the botched-up experiences…Nor even a Nightingale;
But A Song - That Gods Heart Sings-
& makes A Nightingale of me,
As A Deep Blue Sky- Upon which Rests Everything!
My Heart Now Rests in the Self-
& As Self it’s Fulfilled, Yet Empty!
12.11pm
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you…
There’s Nothing But Nothing…
There’s Nothing But Everything…
& There’s Nothing But Beauty in this Knowing! 1.03pm
There’s A Spontaneity with which Swami lived,
That Spontaneity is An Essence of the Self.
It’s Instinctive, Not Impulsive…
It’s Based on Love that expresses various forms of emotions…Love that may weep, sing, appear to be angry, But largely to bring the Mind back to its Source- The Heart
That Spontaneity is here to Help-
Yet, Meddle it does naught!
For with The Self; The Mind that calculates its moves, to Safeguard its Self-Interest;
Simply Ceases!
Rather, It Breathes…A Dimension of Love
within which it Holds Everything…
Even the Minds Lost- Yet Detached it Holds in its Love, Not As A Burden born out of Separateness.
It Holds & Gives Space for the Mind to come within It’s own Heart- Within it’s Self-
Like waves crashing upon the shores of an Ocean…Finally merges into it’s Fathomless Space
This Spontaneity is Gods Love that Gives,
it’s Self unto everything….
O What A Love! That Only Knows to Give- Ceaselessly- Ever Flowing As A River of Love, Kindness & Peace!
1.53pm
1st April 2026
When it’s been a long period of Challenging times than a certain thoughts surface… As i was suppose to go see our college batchmates exhibition. And was wondering will things in those context of challenges ever change
& later from within that lil voice
“When God enters your life, Than All Minds bow!”
10.15am
Atul drove me to Jehangir & later he left for his work.
It was good after a very long time being in the art scenario. As we would often go to Jehangir back in college days. Though i know it’s a long way for us. But everybody starts someplace.
So guess with Swamis blessings things will show itself in my life now!!!
2nd April 2026
Above link to post
Saw this & felt…
Swami,
Will you Give yourself to me too… As you gave to Lord Hanuman…
12.51pm
3rd April 2026
I had been feeling that it’s been long since Swami has reached out, & truly where am I going with this work. I guess our minds play tricks…
& I felt like I was stuck & lost in a dream, trying to find my way out of some situation to be back home. But it was like no one could help me out.
& that’s when Swami came to me, like he interjected that overwhelming feeling in the dream; that I’m lost & need to be back home….
With A Vision
Vision- I see his face, side ways smiling.
With An Assurance- “Why Fear when I am here!”,
& he keeps looking at me for a long time…
& that overwhelming feeling in the dream that I’m lost, Simply dissipates into His Assertive Presence.
Around 4am.
(Actually Swami, as the Self is present in all dimensions. There are No dimensions, Where Swami can’t be!)
4th April 2026
I was awake till 5 in the morning…Crying in pain,
& more so felt….Why had life to turn this way…Leaving me with No Choice to be able to do even the most basic of things, the way I’d want to.
24yrs is too long of a time this way in pain
& I know Swami kept me going every single day igniting Hope in me. Breathing ideas in me that maybe we shall work on this painting or this concept today- Which most times never even materialised, only leaving me with piles of notes upon which ideas were scribbled…
So it was a constant Hope to look forward to something in life that gave meaning to this pain.
This is what Coco too did, to help me walk with a certain air of lightness that comes from One’s Spirit. Where you see Nothing truly is changing on the physical or worldly dimension of your life- But the roots of your Spirit have grown deep in this Space of God & Heart within….
Yet inspite of every difficult lesson that was only to Blossom my Soul- I asked him-
“Why didn’t you meet me with Respect”
For all those years, I was looked down upon due to this pain.
Why didn’t “You”, in them, meet me with Respect- For it was Challenging this pain as it is….
I said, I’m Here Only because you’ve been holding me, all these years…. “Simply, let go off my life now Swami”,
The way you asked me to let go Coco,
Who too was in a lot of pain due to not being able to walk for a month in his last days. You said this from within- “He’s done a lot for you, He gave you 13.5yrs of his life. Don’t be Selfish”,
Because I wished for him to Heal & prayed…
Yet, A Pure Soul like him had to go through that level of pain, Which in the first place is beyond my understanding.
So in the same way completely heart broken,
I told him, you too being my mother, “don’t be Selfish now, I’ve given years of my life being truthful to the self within”, irrespective of the way people met me with.
Now you don’t be selfish by keeping me here. Because Only due to Thy Grace I’m Here! As my life has been hanging on a thin thread- Which he’s been holding for long.
So, Let me go too Swami.
Please don’t hold my life anymore to keep me here….& i cried & cried in pain only to be able to catch 4hours of sleep.
Later in the morning this lil voice from within
I Have immense Respect for you…
How can this Lord ever deny A Heart; That’s Gods Hope upon this earth.
The songs of Resilience it sang, in times tough. These moments of pain; These moments ours, Have held Humanity in the face of Indifference.
These songs of ours- Shall lend Music for many a bereft & forsaken souls. See the play in it all
& Let God Play! Whilst Knowing All Along…
this Swami of yours has carried thy every tear & kindness, Has bathed in Silence & Purity of its Self!
Beloved…..I Humbly state- If Not for Thy Heart & The Hearts, Who breathe kindness & Gods soul upon this earth- Where would This Swami Dwell!
For in the End- it’s this Heart that gave Beauty of God; Even upon the Minds Closed- in their Selfishness.
Thy Heart has made them Aware of that.
That the howling, Control, Anger of their so called thoughts aren’t where God Chooses to make
His Dwelling Place!
And someday when they shall come searching for me- Tired of their own Minds play; They Shall have to follow this Heart that’s ripe within you, That carries A Love Untouched by The Minds of Fear & Hatred!
Beloved every soul shall eventually find it’s way home; But To Find Ones Place Home is only Through A Heart that God Chooses to make His Own!!! & That Heart has to Be The Essence of Gods Very Own Sweet-Breath!
Beloved, When God says; He Respects you, it’s Only Because He sees in you- Himself!
Even though All Are His Self!
10.53am
Swami after A Very Long time, this painting here in context to my above feelings that you’ve been holding this thin thread of my life for long…
But I’m tired Now of this never ending pain-
So Please let it Go! The way you asked me to let go Coco, When No Medical Treatment was helping him.
And the painting is even based on your above message that lil voice within- That you Respect this heart within me.
If Genuinely & Truly you do Respect this Heart of mine….than this painting that I’ve offered at your lotus feet- let it be Blessed by a Visible Sign that Yes- it’s Not only Lupus, But even Blood-Cancer. Because now you go first even before this post is shared on our page.
You show that you do Respect my spirit & Cocos love for going through years of this pain, that truly had no answers as there’s no cure for lupus that has even led me to this Blood Cancer.
Now you come & meet me half way as I’ve offered you this painting & with this offering, I’ve done my part
4.52pm
Since my pain has gone worse, tomorrow morning I’ll repeat the routine CBC & peripheral smear test. I’m tired waiting for Perfect Timings, When the pain gets so out of hand!
7.02pm
5th April 2026
Swami,
Even though was once again awake till 2am,
But I caught up on sleep & went ahead & did the CBC & peripheral smear test just before a light stroll in the park.
I had asked you to come along too & have once again given your name as my reference doctor.
All I wish to say is, if there’s No way for me with this illness due some karmic pay back,
then let go the string of my life, So I merge in you
& Coco love.
& If there’s a way out, then When you lift me up, Lift me up in such a way that Nothing can touch me & pull me down again into the abyss from which you Save, Be it Physical pain Or the Unnecessary nonsense of Minds who’s controlling & hostile behaviour only added more difficulties in my life
This time this Chapter of my life, Either ends me with Cancer putting an end to my life in this pain of decades,
Or You Once & for all End this Chapter & bring
A New Beginning, Where Nothing Old has any place- But the Only Place is that you’re fully there!!!
10.45am
To my yesterdays heart-felt;
(Yet inspite of every difficult lesson that was only to Blossom my Soul- I asked him-
“Why Didn’t you meet me with Respect”
For all those years, I was looked down upon due to this pain.
Why didn’t “You” in them, meet me with Respect- For this pain was Challenging as it is….)
To that thought he responded with this above message- Swami said, “I Fill all space”,
So that’s Beautiful,
Above link to post
I Believe all spaces only he should Fill,
Until there’s Nothing But Him! All Joy, All Pains,
All Past, Present, Future, All Wounds & Space untouched by them too- Only He should Fill & Fill such that there’s Nothing left But Him!!!
Fill every nook & corner of my mind,
Swell As Love that makes this Hearts Whisperings Be My Only Guide!
Fill my days, weeks & months, Fill My Breaths Until this Breath too in Him it Merge!
Fill such that these feet walk- But it is he that moves, this life in me as spring blossoms, But it is He As the Sun that keeps it warm,
that Paintings & Poetries Breathe, form my every pore- For God the Only True Artist Inspires & leaves behind His Expressions of Love!
So that I truly wasn’t even here-
For it was Him who’s the doer, the Creator, the Giver through it All!
And then with my feet placed upon his- As a father plays with his child- like that He’s carried me through this life- As i play this game- Without even Touching this World!
O Fill All Space Dearly Beloved, For other than you, there’s Nothing much I look for.
11.14am
In this journey of pain, Where a Lot was going wrong in my life; The Only things going Right was that I Turned to Swami. And that was one of the Best things to ever happen to me. Maybe that’s what it’s meant with the saying- Eventually Everything is for your Highest Good!
2.59pm.
later this message,
the only wish I have is you come to our home & fully into our lives & put an end to this pain
Swami once again, in the routine CBC & peripheral smear test we did yesterday, Everything is normal other than this-
Predominantly normocytic normochromic RBC’s, as stated in the report-
meaning
Predominantly normocytic normochromic RBCs indicate that the majority of red blood cells are of normal size (mean corpuscular volume, 80-100 fL) and have a normal hemoglobin content. While the cells look normal, this finding often represents a normocytic anemia where the total number of RBCs is low.
Significance: It is the most common laboratory finding in anemia, often suggesting a hypoproliferative process where the bone marrow does not produce enough new cells.
Common Causes: Often associated with chronic diseases (infections, cancer, renal failure), acute blood loss, or early stage deficiencies.
& i know once again no one is gonna believe me, Irrespective of the weight loss, swollen lymph nodes since last October-Nov with constant chills & cold sweats & mainly painful at the right inner thigh region
Baba is this how you wish to Respect me???
Cause the position where you’ve put me will only make history repeat itself.
Of being put in a spotlight, Like 24yrs through lupus of no doctor believing…While i was going through worst of pains
So now you decide if I’ll go first & bear the brunt of being doubted, Judged & Scrutinised again…
Or you’ll keep my honour & Respect,
By Giving a tangible Sign regarding lupus & Blood Cancer that can’t be overruled by anyone!!!
8.38pm
Now after all these years, i want to see- Where my Faith stands in your eyes- Because it’s your Test- Not Mine!!!
Once again to my above thoughts this afternoon-Either this Chapter of Pain will end in my life, Or my life will End! This message above in same context, So Swami showing he knows what I told him.
6th April 2026
I’ve dropped it All- I know I’m in a lot of pain every single day…Whensoever you wish me to Share this work- I’ll do it & even if by then,
Weather you shall give me a Sign Or Not regarding where i stand with this Blood-Cancer- I’ll still go ahead & share it!
It’s 6days now to 12th April Cocos passing on 4yrs back.
Truth is Always Quiet & Simple-
It’s the complicated & doubtful minds, Who find it hard to understand this.
So it matters Not if someone Believes in me or not.
I Believe in You & Coco & out of Respect for the way He stood by me- i will share this work- When you ask of me!
I’ve dropped it all now- this wish for a sign from thee.
I know the pain I’m going through,
to that passing thought that without him by my side, I wouldn’t have made it this far through lupus, it’s definitely Not Luck!& it truly matters not if it’s Believed Or leaves me in a Spotlight the way all these years through lupus did!
I’ll share this Prasadam of your love with all
& you in them decide- How shall they Receive it!
24th April will be the day you left your physical form in 2011- if you Choose to share it on that day-
to Show you Never Truly Left, than Indeed it shall be An Auspicious Blessing!!!
Let Thy Will Be!!!
9.00am
That lil Voice-
In Gods Heart you Reside my Child-
As Gods Breath you Overflow as Life,
I Shall meet you upon the Beauty of your Faith- For it was Never your Battle but mine to face!
9.09am
Again that lil voice from within-
My Child it’s God Responsibility to Give back
A Thousand Folds; For A Heart,
That Never Bargained its Soul!
11.16am
To that passing thought I had a while back that without him by my side, I wouldn’t have made it this far through lupus, it’s definitely Not Luck!
Above link to post
this is a good one, As both my hands Since morning have given in, the nerves have become taut,
Such that I can’t move my hands nor fingers…So this is Swamis way of showing, he knows
7th April 2026
The pain once again being way intense, not just both my hands with nerve trigger pain, taking SOS nerve medication, but general uneasiness due to Cancer. So I was awake till 3am.
Atul sensing me moaning, woke up from his sleep & kept rubbing my feet to give me some respite. But I was barely able to sleep for 4hrs.
Later A Vision-
Gayatri maa, Her face is similar to the one of Gayatri temple in Parthi- She is wearing an emerald green saree- (Emerald green Colour signifies healing, As Swami got the ceiling in Sai Kulwant hall panted in similar colour, so that devotees who come, can sit under a canopy of healing, Since he mentioned he can’t materialise rings for all)
There’s a child placed upon her lap- that I sense it’s me & this is what she tells,
You’re seated upon my lap; with your breath woven in prayers- Now this Pain is mine to bear! 3.55am
Above link to post, Some light-hearted moments with Bhagwan.
8th April 2026
Swami i don’t even know if I’ve slept at all…
Maybe an hour or so,
Just wish to say- if by 12th April, this is how I’ll be continuing my life- then Please Release my soul- Please Once & for all- Free me from this life of Existence & Survival! On the very day Coco left!
5.40am
Your Silence is creating Ripples of Understanding & Healing within Hearts; that have been weighed down by their minds! People around learn to Be; When they See The Silence of God as An Expression of Love from thy every pore!
Beloved! In seeing the way you’ve come to me-
The Way You Know this Sense & Strength in Being; They learn more!
Gods Children’s who through Silence of their Being show others the way to Be- Open more Closed doors that all the words put together ever can!
For Something Breathes within As God,
When people come in touch with Silence;
That’s Infused with My Presence!
8.04am
What I’ve shared with you today morning regarding the date 12th for honouring Cocos life, to give me a closure because of the way he stood by me, Remains between us- Now it’s upto you maa- it’s upto you, Because if Not for Coco, i wouldn’t have been here! 🙏
1.50pm
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